You will most likely be better off having this conversation at home in your living room than in a public setting such as a restaurant or café. Try not to choose a time when your spouse is already stressed, such as right after he or she gets off of work.
For example, you might say, “I have something important that I need to talk to you about and I want to make sure that we will have enough time. When would be good for you?”
You may think that leaving out some of the details of your affair may be a good idea, but only offering up a partial confession will end up making you feel worse. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source For example, if you cheated on your partner multiple times, then a partial confession would be telling your spouse that you only cheated once.
Show that you are listening by leaning towards your partner and maintaining eye contact. Remove all distractions to avoid interruptions. Turn off your phone, TV, laptop, etc. Don’t interrupt your partner when he or she is talking. Listen until he or she finishes saying what he or she has to say. Rephrase what your partner has just said to show that you were listening. For example, you can start by saying something like, “If I am understanding correctly, it sounds like you are saying”[4] X Research source
“We met at work. ” is better than beginning a long story like “The mailroom manager needed a new assistant. So she hired this new guy and began training him. ” Be ready to elaborate when asked, however. Don’t skimp on the details if your mate wants to know more.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you!” “It only happened once. " “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“I’m so sorry I lied to you. You did not deserve to be treated that way. " “This was all my fault. I apologize for hurting you. " “Lying was wrong and I’m sorry I violated your trust. "
You may need to agree to some terms that will help your partner to trust you again. For example, you might agree to check in more often when you are out or to allow your partner to have access to your phone, email, and social media accounts.
“Was I feeling lonely?” “If so, why?” “Why did I choose that person over my spouse?” “What feelings did I have for my former lover?”
You should also be prepared for anger from your spouse. Remember that your spouse has a right to be angry. Be willing to listen to your spouse as he or she expresses feelings of anger. Keep in mind that you have had lots of time to prepare yourself for this discussion, but it may be a total surprise to your spouse.
