Once you’ve realized your mistake, take responsibility for your actions. Do not try to be defensive or give excuses. Sincerely apologize and explain your intentions, not justify your behavior. In case you are not aware of what you did wrong, simply ask the person in a friendly manner. Instead of: “Why are you mad now?” Try this: “You seem to be upset with me. Did I do something to cause that?”
For example, imagine that you went out to the movies without your partner. Your partner felt left out and hurt. Instead of arguing about whether they are “right” to feel this way or whether you were “right” to go out, acknowledge that they felt hurt in your apology.
For example, a very common but ineffective way of apologizing is to say something like, “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt” or “I’m sorry you got so upset. ” An apology does not need to apologize for the other person’s feelings. It needs to acknowledge your responsibility. These types of statements don’t – they push the responsibility back onto the person who was hurt. [3] X Research source [4] X Research source Instead, keep the focus on you. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” or “I’m sorry that my actions upset you” express responsibility for the hurt you caused, and don’t come across as blaming the other person. This can be challenging when we put our defensive caps on - “I wouldn’t have done it if you…. ” Blaming often takes away the part of owning the mistake.
Justifications may include claims that the person you hurt misunderstood you, such as “you took it the wrong way. ” They may also include denial of injury, such as “it wasn’t really that bad,” or a sad tale, such as “I’ve been damaged so I couldn’t help it. ”
Examples of excuses might include denying your intent, such as “I didn’t mean to hurt you” or “It was an accident. ” Excuses may also include denial of volition, such as “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was saying. ” Use these types of statements carefully, and make sure that you always acknowledge the hurt you did first before following it with any reasons for your behavior. [7] X Research source Greene, J. O. , & Burleson, B. R. (Eds. ). (2003). Handbook of communication and social interaction skills. Psychology Press. The person who was hurt is more likely to forgive you if you offer excuses rather than justifications. They are even more likely to forgive you if you offer excuses in combination with accepting responsibility, acknowledging the hurt, recognizing the proper behavior, and ensuring proper behavior in the future. [8] X Research source
For example, don’t say something like, “I’m sorry, but I was just tired. ” This emphasizes your excuse for the offense, rather than focusing on your regret for hurting the other person. Instead, say something like, “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I know that hurt your feelings. I was tired, and I said something I regret. . ”
For example, some people are highly independent and value things such as entitlements and rights. These people are more likely to be receptive to an apology that offers a specific remedy for a hurt. For people who highly value their close personal relationships with others, they may be more likely to be receptive to an apology that expresses empathy and regret. Some people highly value social rules and norms and imagine themselves as part of a larger social group. People like this may be most likely to be receptive to an apology that acknowledges that values or rules were violated. If you don’t know the person very well, aim to incorporate a little bit of everything. These apologies are more likely to acknowledge what is most important to the person you’re apologizing to.
Remember, forgiveness isn’t guaranteed no matter how true the apology is. It is to be earned by regaining trust and apologizing in a healthy way is a big start!
Also remember, that apologizing isn’t an instant fix. It is just the first stage. Be open to feedback and be mindful of those actions from time after.
If you worry that you will become very emotional, you can bring your notes with you. The other person may even appreciate that you took such care to prepare the apology. If you’re concerned you will mess up your apology, consider working it through with a close friend. You don’t want to practice so much that your apology seems forced or over-rehearsed. However, it may be helpful for you to practice your apology with someone and get their feedback about it. [12] X Research source
Additionally, if you apologize while your emotions are rushing, you may have trouble conveying sincerity. Waiting until you have collected yourself will help you say what you mean to say and make sure that your apology is meaningful and complete. Just don’t wait too long. Waiting days or weeks to apologize can do damage too. [14] X Research source In professional settings, it’s a good idea to make your apology as soon after the mistake as possible. This will help avoid interrupting the flow of work in your workplace.
When you apologize in person, your gestures and expressions help reveal how much you regret and how truly sorry you are. Apologizing via text might add on to further unnecessary misunderstandings. If apologizing in person isn’t an option, use the telephone. The tone of your voice will help communicate that you’re sincere.
Choose a space that feels relaxing, and make sure you have enough time to not feel rushed.
You should also choose a time when you will not feel rushed or stressed. If you’re thinking about everything else you still have to do, your focus will not be on the apology, and the other person will feel that distance.
You can’t force someone’s forgiveness. If they’re firm they do not want to engage any further, move on.
For example, if the person you hurt tries to bring up a pattern of past behavior that they believe is related to your mistake, allow him/her to finish. Pause before you respond. Consider the person’s statements, and try to see the situation from the other person’s perspective, even if you disagree. Don’t lash out, yell, or insult the other person.
Make eye contact while speaking and listening. Aim for at least 50% of the time while you are speaking, and at least 70% of the time while you are listening. Avoid crossing your arms. This is a sign that you feel defensive and are closed to the other person. Try to keep your face relaxed. You don’t have to force a smile, but if you feel a sour expression or grimace on your face, take a moment to relax those muscles. Use open palms rather than closed hands if you want to gesture. If the person is close to you and it’s appropriate, use touch to convey your emotions. A hug, or a gentle touch on the arm or hand, can communicate how much the other person means to you. [20] X Research source
Studies have shown that when apologies appear to be motivated by feelings of guilt or shame, they are more likely to be accepted by the hurt person. In contrast, apologies motivated by pity are less likely to be accepted, because they seem less sincere. [21] X Research source Hareli, S. , & Eisikovits, Z. (2006). The role of communicating social emotions accompanying apologies in forgiveness. Motivation and Emotion, 30(3), 189-197. For example, you could begin an apology by saying “I deeply regret hurting your feelings yesterday. I feel terrible about causing you pain. ”
Try to avoid overgeneralizing. Saying something like “I’m a terrible person” is not true, and it isn’t attentive to the specific behavior or situation that caused the hurt. Overgeneralizing makes addressing the issue seem impossible; you can’t fix being a “terrible person” as easily as you can fix “not paying attention to someone else’s needs. ” For example, continue the apology by stating what, specifically, caused the hurt. “I deeply regret hurting your feelings yesterday. I feel terrible about causing you pain. I should never have snapped at you for picking me up late. ”
Find the underlying problem, describe it to the person without pointing fingers at anyone else, and tell him or her what you intend to do to solve that problem so that you can avoid the mistake in the future. [24] X Research source For example, “I deeply regret hurting your feelings yesterday. I feel terrible about causing you pain. I should never have snapped at you for picking me up late. In the future, I will stop to think more carefully before I say things. ”
If the other person is still upset with you, s/he may react in an unfavorable way. If the person yells or insults you, these negative feelings may prevent forgiveness from occurring. [26] X Research source Bachman, G. F. , & Guerrero, L. K. (2006). Forgiveness, apology, and communicative responses to hurtful events. Communication Reports, 19(1), 45-56. Either take a timeout or try to redirect the conversation to a more productive topic. To take a timeout, express your empathy for the other person and offer them the choice. Try to avoid seeming like you’re blaming the other person. For example, “I clearly hurt you, and it seems like you’re upset right now. Would it be helpful to take a brief timeout? I want to understand where you are coming from, but I want you to feel comfortable. ” To redirect the conversation from negativity, try to learn specific behaviors that the other person wishes you had done instead of what you actually did. For example, if the other person says something like “You just never respect me!” you could respond by asking “What would help you feel that respect in the future?” or “What do you hope I would do differently next time?”
A true apology is one where you acknowledge your mistakes and assure that it won’t be repeated again.
Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn’t mean they’ve fully forgiven you. It can take time, maybe a long time, before the other person can completely let go and fully trust you again. There is little you can do to speed this process up, but there are endless ways to bog it down. If the person is truly important to you, it’s worth it to give them the time and space they need to heal. Don’t expect them to go right back to acting normally immediately.
Check in with the other person occasionally. For example, after a few weeks or so have gone by, you could ask “I heard how my behavior a few weeks ago hurt you, and I’m really working to do better. How am I doing?”[28] X Research source
