Avoid “ifs” and “buts”. Never start an apology with “I’m sorry if . ” This makes your apology dependent on something else (and may even imply you think your apology is only necessary because of their feelings). This is simply not a sincere way to be apologetic. Don’t say “I’m sorry but” either. An apology like this is making an excuse before an apology is even made. Don’t try to explain yourself during an apology. Focused on owning up for what you did or said, the fact that you’re sorry about it, and that you intend to remedy the situation. Do not attempt to rationalize what had occurred during a heated argument. Know that if there was a valid reason for the argument and for your role in it, that you should talk about it, but that that conversation ought to be independent of your apology.
Use “I”-statements when responding, such as “I understand you’re upset”, “I know I disappointed you”, I realize that I said some hurtful things”. These statements can stand alone, or be accompanied with another clear “I’m sorry. ” Do not attempt to explain yourself when they still have more to say. Avoid being falsely cheerful, as this may seem insincere or even malicious. Say something along the lines of “I know you’re upset. So am I. When we calm down, let’s talk about it and get through this. ”
Tell yourself, and the person to whom you are apologizing, that you have no agenda that motivates your apology other than healing the damage to your relationship that the argument may have caused. Choose words and statements that are honest and heart-felt. Don’t try to be overly-eloquent or too analytical. Be direct; you might not need to say much. Ensure that none of your sentiments are framed in an effort to deceive or manipulate your loved one. Never be duplicitous in conversations that are important to your own or others’ feelings.
Take a moment. You and your loved one will likely need a while to regroup your thoughts and gain composure. Avoid rushing into an apology for both your sake and the sake of the person you fought with. Go somewhere private. A walk may be your best option; fresh air can help clear the mind and calm you down. Allow yourself to address your heightened emotions privately.
If you’re not going to see the person with whom you argued for a while, a letter is great way to convey your apology without putting them on the spot, which you risk doing with a phone call. After you’ve written your letter, reconsider what you’ve written. Do so either immediately or over the course of a few days, depending on how quickly you want to give an apology. Right before delivering an apology letter, reread it one last time. Consider allowing someone you trust to read over the letter to help ensure you haven’t included anything that might be interpreted differently than you intend. Do not apologize via text or email. A text is not an appropriate medium with which to have a meaningful conversation. Emailed apologies may be appropriate for professional apologies, but not for personal apologies to people you know well. For more specific tips on apologizing, see the wikiHow on How to Apologize.
Self-reflection will lead to realizations that you can address after you’ve apologized. Specific questions you might ask yourself include: What are the specific things I said or did that likely hurt the other person? Was I intending to hurt the other person, or get back at them for something? If so, why did I do so? Do interactions such as this often occur between you?
Be clear, by saying things like, “I’m really sorry about saying ______, I can see how hurtful that likely was. ” If fights are recurring, bring it up, especially if you’re at fault. Say something like. “I’m sorry for fighting with you again. I recognize that my behavior needs to change. Are you willing to talk about this with me?” Let it go! Alternatively, you may realize that there wasn’t a good reason for a fight – it was just an especially bad moment for one or both of you. If you’re sure there’s not an underlying issue that needs to be talked about, letting it go (after apologizing) might be the best route to take. More than likely there is something that needs to be addressed. Articulate not only the things you recognize that you did wrong, but also the things the other person said or did that hurt you, though do so after you’ve apologized.
For instance, Ask each other, “Are you angry about how the argument ended?” Did you try to convince your loved one to do something they didn’t want to do? Be sure to apologize and rescind any coercive agreements by saying things like, “I know I insisted on _______, and that I didn’t hear you out on why you disagreed. Let’s talk about it together, and I’ll be more open to your considerations. ” Articulate the things specific things that hurt of offended you that your loved one has said or done. Do so calmly, and avoid being accusatory, but you need to be clear about behavior that cannot continue. Say things likes, “It really hurt me when you said/did _______. ” Be ready to forgive your loved one, and expect the same, if you’re able to apologize to one another, have the constructive conversations to grow closer, and move on.
Don’t persist in giving others the cold shoulder or the silent treatment. Similarly, if you find yourself being especially critical of one another, there are likely unresolved feelings that need to be discussed. Monitor yourself and reflect on the observations you make about how you’re acting. Take responsibility for your own actions by working to adjust your own behavior and being willing to speak openly and listen fully to your loved ones.
Clearly and specifically articulate a commitment not to repeat any hurtful things you said or did. Emphasize the fact that you do not want to hurt the other person, and are sorry for having done so. Following egregious or repeated behavior during arguments with your loved ones, you may need to do more than apologize. Commit to a plan or process to help you deal with whatever might be leading to your hurtful behavior, and seek professional guidance or join a support group to help you follow through on these commitments.
If you apologized in person, following it up with a letter about how much your relationship with the person means to you may be the best gift you can give someone. Think of something the other person likes to do, and get them something accordingly. Tickets or passes to a show or other activity you know your loved one will enjoy are a great option, as you can go together. Spending time together is another great gift, as it indicates you’re hoping to maintain your connection.
Remind one another, both verbally and tangibly (with kissing, hand-holding, hugging), that even though you are capable of hurting one another, that you’re still there for one another as well. When emotionally excited by the stimulus of an intense fight, the pleasures of sex may be amplified by a psychological (and biological) phenomenon called the arousal transfer. Allow the relief you’re both feeling on account of your reconciliation to spill over into a session of romantic reunion that reaffirms the bonds between you.
