Compare it to tripping other people. If you accidentally trip people on occasion, and then apologize and make sure they’re okay, that doesn’t make you a bad person. If you trip people on purpose, or refuse to watch where you’re going even though you are repeatedly hurting people, that is a reflection on your character. Your character is not defined by your mistakes, but how you react to your mistakes. If you live in an area where there is racism, you may unintentionally pick up a few racist attitudes. It happens. To help fix it, you can work actively on un-learning and challenging your questionable thoughts and assumptions.
Compare it to being punched. Imagine if people often punched you in the stomach, sometimes lightly, and sometimes really hard. You would get a bruise there, and it would really hurt. Thus, any time you got punched on that bruise, it might hurt a lot more. People who didn’t understand your bruise might think you were over-reacting, because they didn’t know you were already hurt. Similarly, people of color might react strongly to racism if they have already been hurt many times. This context may help you understand the stress that the other person is experiencing. Keep it in mind, to help you empathize with them.
Good intent doesn’t negate bad impact. “I didn’t mean anything bad” can be true, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have to apologize. A caring person apologizes for their mistakes, including total accidents. Bystanders can speak up against racism and request an apology. The burden of stopping racism shouldn’t only fall on its direct victims. For example, a black person can speak up against anti-Asian racism, and a white person can defend a Latinx friend. [2] X Research source One person not minding doesn’t make it okay. Some people will tell you they don’t care if you insult them. That doesn’t mean it isn’t inappropriate, or that other people shouldn’t object. Racist jokes don’t have funny consequences. Research shows that disparaging jokes shape and reinforce negative attitudes. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Prejudiced jokes can make people accept prejudice[4] X Research source and may embolden prejudiced people to act in discriminatory ways. [5] X Research source “It’s just a joke” ignores serious consequences of normalizing racism.
If someone points out a racist comment, they aren’t saying, “You’re a terrible person” or even, “You’re a racist. ” They are telling you that you said something hurtful. Don’t take it personally, but instead, recognize that they’re helping you see your blind spots.
Don’t push them to explain if they’re uncomfortable. While some people are willing to gently guide you through the painful world of racism, it isn’t their job, so don’t expect it, and express gratitude if they take time for you. If the interaction happens online, consider private messaging the person to talk about it further and ask your questions.
Taking responsibility often doesn’t feel good, but it’s an important part of admitting your actions and showing that you’re sincere in taking steps to amend what went wrong.
Say, “Is this a good time to talk?” or, “Can we talk tomorrow after class?”[8] X Research source If they seem iffy, it may help to tell them that you want to talk to them to apologize. You don’t want to feel rushed in your apology, nor do you want the other person or people to feel awkward or uncomfortable.
You may choose to write a letter. If you struggle to say things out loud or have difficulty wording your apology, try a letter (or email). This can help you say what you need to say how you want to say it.
For example, you should know why you’re apologizing and why what you said was hurtful before you apologize.
One helpful technique is to use the word and instead of the word but, such as “I’m sorry and I didn’t mean it” instead of “I’m sorry but I didn’t mean it. "
For example, say, “I thought my comment was funny, but now I see how insensitive it was toward Black people, and I’m horrified I said that” or, “I was so thoughtless to say that, and I realize that I seriously hurt you. ”
“I’m sorry. I heard people using that word, but I didn’t know exactly what it meant. I’m horrified that it has such negative connotations, and I would never have used it had I known. I’m truly sorry. "
For example, say, “My comment about Latinos sounded funny to me, but now I see that it was out of line and offensive. I’m going to make time to learn from this mistake. ”
Try to say, “I’m sorry” early on in the apology. Don’t wait until the end of your apology to say that words or else it can be confusing. Make sure your apology is genuine and assure them you want to make sure it won’t happen again.
You can mention your bad feelings without expecting the other person to fix them for you. “I feel terrible for hurting you and I’m so sorry” is a decent apology. “I feel terrible, I can’t sleep just thinking about it, and I’ve never felt this bad in my life, and you forgive me right, and. . . " isn’t appropriate. If you’re struggling to process your feelings, talk to someone who isn’t involved in the incident. For example, if you upset your friend from work, maybe you could talk to your mom about it.
For example, say, “I can understand why you feel hurt” or, “I didn’t realize how much my comment affected you. ”
Say, “This was a painful experience, and I’ll be sure to be more careful with my words in the future. ” You can also describe steps you’re going to take to learn. For example, “I’m going to read some books and blogs about anti-Asian racism to help me understand it better. If you have any recommendations, please feel free to share them. "
For example, say, “I know this is a blind spot, so I’m signing up for an online class about racial diversity. ”
Try checking out library books about racism and how it works. Read personal accounts of how people have been affected by racism. What were they exposed to? How did it feel for them? What did they wish people knew about it? There are even videos that make it silly with topics like “If Asian people said the racist things some white people say. " These let you both laugh and learn about racism.
Do what you can to promote awareness and sensitivity. Perhaps you might even stop someone and start a discussion about race after they make an offensive comment.
