Remember that everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes don’t make you a bad person, but taking responsibility for them is important: owning up to what you did and doing your best to fix it. Examples of unintentional mistakes include speaking without thinking, breaking something accidentally, inconveniencing someone, sharing a secret you didn’t realize was meant to stay confidential, and so on.
It’s extremely important to move past any feelings of defensiveness you might feel after hurting someone unintentionally. Accept that harm happened, whether or not you meant to do it, and you are therefore responsible for it —and for making amends.
Their tone of voice changes when they interact with you. They seem less engaged in your conversations than usual. They have detached body language, including crossed or folded arms. Their face seems tense or unhappy. They seem strangely reluctant to spend time with you.
Try writing a basic outline of your apology if you plan on verbally delivering it in person. That way, you’ll know the most important talking points and will likely feel better knowing you have a plan. If you’re sending a written apology to someone, ask a couple of people you trust to proofread it first.
Use sincere body language. Make eye contact while keeping your body relaxed and angled toward the person you’re apologizing to. Use a natural tone of voice to show the other person you’re speaking from the heart. Avoid speaking in a stiff, flat tone. Always be honest and speak your truth without being condescending or rude. Say the other person’s name in your apology to convey respect and sincerity. Empathize with the other person. Put yourself in their shoes and consider how they feel so you can offer a more genuine and thoughtful apology.
For example, you might say, “I’m sorry for what I did. I feel awful knowing you were upset over this. ” Don’t turn the apology into a debate by saying, “I’m sorry if I hurt you,” or “I’m sorry, but I didn’t think you’d mind. ” Even unintentionally, you hurt them, so the best thing to do is say “I’m sorry” without being defensive.
If a friend felt neglected because you didn’t include them, you could say, “I didn’t think to invite you to the movies. I assumed you wouldn’t want to go since you don’t like horror films, but I should’ve asked anyway. ” Using “I” statements (like in the example above) is also an important part of apologizing. When you describe a situation, focus on yourself and what you did. “I” statements help you take direct responsibility for what happened. Remember: offering clarity doesn’t mean making excuses. All you need to do is objectively describe the situation and then acknowledge where you went wrong.
For example: “Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I can see that my actions made you feel excluded, and that was never my intention. ” Acknowledge that they’re hurting without trying to undercut or downplay it. For example, “I’m sorry that my actions hurt you so badly” is a good way to describe the impact of your mistake. The more upfront you are about acknowledging the other person’s hurt feelings, the more they’ll likely appreciate your apology.
For example: “I really messed up by not inviting you to the movie. I know I hurt your feelings, and I have no intention of making that mistake again. ”
For example: “I really hope you can forgive me. In the future, I’m going to check in with everyone before making group plans, no matter what. If there’s anything I can do now to make it up to you, I’m happy to do it. ” It’s also important to forgive yourself. Yes, feeling regret is an important part of apologizing, but once all is said and done, try to let go of your regret, forgive yourself, and move forward.
For example, if you’re unsure what you did to offend someone, try asking what’s wrong and listening to their explanation. If they say you didn’t call when you were supposed to, you can base your apology on how frustrated and neglected your mistake must have made the other person feel because listening to them gives you that extra perspective.
Avoid excuses like, “I know this sucks, but it’s not really my fault,” or “In my defense, you didn’t tell me what you wanted me to do. ” Justifying what you did can also feel like you’re invalidating the other person’s feelings. Avoid saying things like, “Well, even if you didn’t like it, I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. ”
Since your mistake was unintentional, it’s understandable if you don’t realize there’s a problem right away. The important thing is acting swiftly once you have that realization. It’s also perfectly okay to take a little time to collect your thoughts. Don’t rush into an apology if you’re still feeling defensive or unsure what to say; it’s better to give yourself a little time to prepare.
Use your best judgment when determining the type of apology you want to give someone. For example, if they won’t meet up with you or you tend to get tongue-tied and want to make sure your apology is as good as it can be, it might make more sense to send a written apology. Depending on your relationship with them, you might consider a gift or thoughtful gesture alongside your apology. You could bring them flowers, write them a card, or put together a homemade gift.
In your apology, you might even say (or write) something along the lines of “I understand if you can’t accept my apology now, but I want to try to make things right. ” This shows them that you’re sensitive to their feelings and won’t force them to feel a certain way, making forgiveness more likely.
For example, if you apologized for accidentally “ghosting” someone for a few days, you could outline your plan to check your phone for messages at specific times and set alarms to get in the habit of replying to them regularly. Then, once you decide how to fix your mistake, put those plans into practice. This proves to the other person that you’re more than just talk, and that you sincerely want to make things better.
Try not to keep on apologizing over and over again, especially if they aren’t receptive to hearing you out. Apologizing two or three times might help, but continually saying “I’m sorry” beyond that might wear the other person down.
Offer your help directly instead of waiting to be asked. Be proactive to show them you’re serious about your desire to help. Remember: if they refuse your help, don’t force it on them. Just keep asking now and again, gently, until they’re willing to let you help.
