You could say, “I’d like to discuss where our relationship is headed. Can we sit down and talk about it soon?” That helps clue your partner into the fact that something’s up. Also, pick a good time to sit down in person. This conversation isn’t one you want to have over email or the phone. This conversation needs to happen in person, when your spouse has the time and emotional space to deal with it. You don’t want to be distracted by other things. It might be a good idea to have someone babysit for you if you have kids. While you don’t want to put it off, timing is everything. For instance, if your spouse’s parent died last week, you may want to wait a little while. [2] X Research source
Lead with what you want the discussion to be about. You could say, “I don’t think we’ve been in the same place lately, and I feel us growing apart. I’d like to discuss the possibility of a trial separation. " Don’t be afraid to talk about what you’re feeling. “I am afraid that if we go on like this we will fight and argue our way to divorce, and I hope that spending some time apart will help us see what our options are without ruining each other in the process. "
For instance, if you think the separation is a stepping stone to a divorce, you could say, “Right now, I’m really just trying to figure out what I want. However, if things don’t change between us, I could see this leading to a more permanent separation. " On the other hand, if you want the separation as a time to think with the hopes of reconciliation, you might say, “I know asking for a separation is hurtful to you. However, I don’t think things have been right between us for a while, and I think we need some time apart to figure out how to move forward in our relationship. I really do want to work it out, though, and hopefully get back together after our time apart. "
Once your spouse has gotten over the initial shock, start asking questions to determine what your spouse is feeling and thinking, such as, “So what do you think? Do you think it’s a good idea?” It may be that your spouse is on the same page, thinking time apart would do you good, but your partner may not want that all.
Remember, these goals need to be concrete and specific. For instance, “Be less distant” is not concrete enough. “Check in with me at least 2 times a day” is more specific. Be open to hearing what your partner needs, as well. Each of you should have 3 to 4 goals for the other person. Agree that both of you will work on the goals without resorting to looking over the other person’s shoulder. That is, you can’t blame not achieving your goals on the other person not achieving theirs.
You should also discuss whether dating is allowed and how far you can go on a date. For instance, if you expect to get back together, you may decide to rule out dating or sex. These rules will need to be very specific. For instance, if you’re talking about who gets to spend what time with the kids, you need to lay out what days and nights of the week the kids will spend with each party. Remember that the ground rules you set for a separation may affect what happens if you get a divorce, such as custody arrangements. For instance, if your kids are mostly living with one parent or the other, that parent may be granted primary custody. Talk to a lawyer to make sure that your ground rules are fair to both of you and your kids. You may need some help laying out these ground rules. If you expect to get back together, you’re going to both need to compromise on the rules. Also, put your rules in writing. Doing so can make sure everyone is on the same page. [8] X Research source
Ask around for recommendations for a couple’s therapist from friends you trust. More than likely, some of your friends have had problems, too, and may have seen someone who’s good for you and your spouse, too. A therapist can be objective about your relationship, whereas it’s harder for the two of you to be objective about something that you are both so emotionally invested in. Therefore, suggest to your partner that you consider going to a therapist. Another option for a mediator is a pastor. You could say, “Given all I’ve said about a separation, I think it’s important that we talk to a mediator. I was thinking we could talk to a couple’s therapist once a week to see if they can help us sort out some of our problems. I really want to make this work, but I do think we could use some outside help. "
You can also look up reviews of lawyers online to find one that most people have been happy with. Meet with the lawyer before deciding to engage him or her as your personal lawyer. Ask the lawyer if they’re willing to act as a mediator if you need it and how often they’ve worked with people on a trial separation. Plus, you want to make sure you connect with your lawyer and trust him or her as a person. As noted in the step about laying out ground rules, it’s important to remember that what you do in your separation can affect your divorce. What you decide about who takes care of the kids now, for instance, can be used to decide who gets custody of your kids.
For instance, you could try talking on the phone twice a week. Consider addressing specific issues each time you talk. Talking on the phone cuts out some of the emotional charge in the situation. If you’re really emotional, you may want to start with emails and the move up to phone calls. If you’ve engaged a therapist or you’re visiting with a pastor, that can be one way you can continue to connect with each other.
Some areas you can think about are whether you still have fun together and laugh and whether you still have similar goals. Sex is also an area that can cause problems. Another area you can look at is the way you communicate. Has communication broken down in your marriage? Can you identify where it started breaking it down? Also, consider the ways you care for each other. Happy couples enjoy doing things for each other. If you find you are doing all the work in the relationship, both the emotional work and the physical work of living together, that could a large part of the problem–your spouse isn’t holding up her or his end of the marriage.
For instance, maybe you’re unhappy because you don’t feel like your spouse pays attention to you anymore. A concrete goal would be to spend alone time together at least twice a week. Come up with 3 to 4 concrete goals that you can discuss with your spouse. [15] X Research source
For instance, you might feel like half a year is better to figure out your feelings. Alternatively, you may want to separate for 3 months to give your spouse a chance to go through rehab. If they don’t, you may choose to divorce at the end of that period. Of course, you can reevaluate after the time period. If you’re both still unsure, you can agree to another length of time.
