“I get scared and upset when yelling or curse words happen during arguments” rather than “Your yelling and cursing scares me. You need to stop it. " “I am worried that my abilities are not being put to use in my current position” as opposed to “You all placed me in a position that is not conducive to my growth. "
Saying “no” might be difficult at first, but, with practice, you will see that exercising this right helps you get ahead. Doing so gives you experience setting boundaries with others and asserting yourself, which are some of the most important skills for both personal and professional growth. Setting boundaries will help you to communicate your needs to other people and ensure that people know what you will and will not tolerate. [3] X Research source
For example, if someone says something you disagree with, it will not be effective to lash out in anger. Such a reaction can cause you to damage the relationship because you are speaking from your emotions, and not from a place of objectivity. The first step towards mastering your feelings is to become aware of them. Begin monitoring your feelings for several days. Take note of the times and situations that evoke strong emotions from you. Find an emotions chart and try to label what you’re feeling. [6] X Research source Next, uncover the stimulus behind these feelings. In other words, why did you react this way? After that, decide if that emotion is a great representation for how you want to behave and interact with people. If it’s not, then you will have to make a choice to change your perspective by editing negative or unhelpful thoughts.
A qualifying statement might sound like “This is just my opinion but. . . " or “Feel free to disregard this but. . . “. A stronger categorical and assertive statement may be “In my opinion. . . " (with no added “but” or reducing disclaimer) or “I think the best course of action is. . . "
Assertive speakers have respect for the other person’s personal space, allowing up to a 4 feet distance between both parties. They also maintain direct, non-invasive eye contact while speaking with a balanced volume (not too soft, not too loud) and a tone that is modulated for the situation and location. [7] X Research source It is acceptable to stand or sit with an erect, but relaxed posture (open arms and legs oriented towards the speaker) and use non-threatening gestures to illustrate a point.
Pick your fights. Every issue is not one that requires a full-on debate or a stance on the soapbox. Decide which issues match your values, and be sure to use your voice during these times.
To start, get out a sheet of paper and list values that you admire in yourself and in others. These can include characteristics such as ambition, forgiveness, compassion, honesty, kindness, etc. Rank by order of importance which values you consider to be most significant. Your ranking response will guide you to answering many of the other questions.
For example, if you have a partner who lies to you and this goes against your basic desire of having an open and honest relationship, you will need to assert yourself (i. e. speak up) with your partner and discuss these desires. If the person chooses not to respect your rights, then you might consider whether you want to continue the relationship. Avoid beating around the bush or expecting others to guess your needs. Voice your needs and desires in a straightforward and healthy way, demonstrating to others that these important standards and values are non-negotiable. “I expect to have a partner I can trust” or “I want to you to be honest with me always. "
For example, you find yourself saying “I will never get a raise. No one notices my performance. " Can you really predict the future (i. e. that you will never get a raise)? How do you know that no one notices your performance? By asking questions you can prove that this thought is clearly irrational, since no one can predict the future. Bringing awareness to negative thoughts can minimize that inner critic that lowers your self-esteem.
Being assertive translates to respecting the opinions, time, and effort of others. Stand up for yourself, while also treating everyone else with positive regard. When you show others respect, you naturally become a more respectable person. [10] X Research source
