Your child will likely forget about who won or lost a certain fight, but they will probably remember how your actions during that fight made them feel about you and themselves. Thus, it is important to be as mature as possible. Don’t ignore your child or make them feel stupid. If you’re not sure how to end a fight, try calmly telling your child you need a few minutes to yourself. Take this time to calm down if you need. When you’ve calmed down, return to your child, and apologize for fighting. You don’t even need to bring up what the fight was about or who was right/wrong. If you can’t bring yourself to apologize, you can at least say, “I don’t like it when we fight. Let’s go do something fun together instead. ” Give them a hug, and remind them how much you love them.
If you have a hard time grasping this, think about how you feel when someone you love criticizes you. It probably doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, even if you know it’s not true. Even the most secure people don’t enjoy being criticized. If your child is doing something that you think should be done differently, avoid saying something like, “That’s such a dumb way to do that. Why would you think that’s a good idea?” Instead, say something more positive such as, “You’re doing great, can I show you how I normally do it? Then you can do it whichever way you prefer. ” Remember that just because you do something a certain way doesn’t mean it is the best way. Even if it is the best way, it’s good to let your child have autonomy and figure some things out for themselves.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t be honest with your child about emotions you might be having. Communicating honestly with your child can help strengthen your relationship and facilitate empathy and understanding between the two of you. [3] X Expert Source Jin S. Kim, MALicensed Marriage & Family Therapist Expert Interview. 14 May 2019. For example, if you are feeling sad and your child asks you what’s wrong, you can tell them that you’re feeling sad because something happened that you didn’t want to happen. If it is appropriate, you can also tell them the reason you’re sad. However, you should also remind your child that you’ll be OK, you just need a bit of time to feel sad. You can do this rather than expect them to comfort you.
Forgive yourself. When you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up over it. You can reflect on what happened and why you think it happened in order to do better in the future, but it won’t help you or your children to let yourself feel like a failure.
Verbal abuse may not leave physical signs that the abuse happened, but it certainly leaves emotional scars that may afflict your child for the rest of your life. Many parents aren’t aware of the research, which makes it clear that spanking is just as harmful to a child’s emotional well-being as other forms of physical abuse, such as slapping, punching, pinching, etc. [5] X Research source If you have been spanking your child as a means of punishment, look for other, healthier ways to discipline your child for bad behavior. For example, take away a privilege and explain to them the reason that they have lost that privilege and when they can have it back. When it comes to child sexual abuse, any form of sexual touching between a child and an adult is considered sexual abuse. [6] X Research source
The first thing you need to do is understand what abuse is. Stop trying to rationalize your behavior. Yes, parenting is tough, but abusing is never a good (or acceptable) way to deal with your frustration no matter how mad you might be. In many cases, abusers often abuse because that’s how they were raised. Getting professional help to learn how to better deal with your anger and emotions is often the best way to stop the cycle. One way to avoid abusing a child is to walk away from the situation when you feel that you are too frustrated or angry to deal with the situation rationally. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
A child of a toxic parent often grows up feeling shameful and guilty about their choices, has low self-esteem, and a poor self-image.
It’s true that there are some children who grow up into adults that realize that they were raised by toxic parents, and who are able to break out of this cycle. Unfortunately, this is an exception rather than a rule. It takes tremendous self-discipline to re-train your brain to react differently, especially when it comes to behaviors we were taught as children.
Realize that if your child says this to you, it is as painful for you as it is for them. However, if you can’t or are unwilling to change your behavior, it is the best thing your child can do for themselves. If this happens, you will have to spend a lot of time working on your own behavior in order to rebuild the relationship. This can be very difficult. You may find it useful to seek the help of a trained mental health professional who can help you identify your toxic behaviors, where they come from, and what you can do about them. Respect your child’s wishes. If they say the need to cut off contact with, try to be respectful of that wish even though it may be painful for you. If you constantly badger them you are only proving their point. Once you have taken the time to deal with your issues, you might reach out gently. For example, you could write them a letter explaining that you know you were wrong and that you’ve sought help with your issues. Ask them respectfully if there is any chance that you two could start again. However, try to respect their wishes if they don’t respond positively.
Remember that, if you have been a toxic parent, it is your fault. Yes, your child might have done a lot of things to push you to the edge, but that doesn’t excuse your behavior. Thus, you should avoid saying things like, “I’m really sorry for the things I said to you, but you just made it impossible for me to stay sane. ” Even if you feel like your behavior was justified in some cases, you won’t heal your relationship with your child by placing the blame on them. Don’t expect your child to just forgive you. This might happen, but if it doesn’t happen right away then you have to respect that they need time to process what you’ve said. Be prepared for the fact that they might never be able to forgive you, especially if you don’t take steps to work on your behavior.
When they are talking, do your best not to interrupt. It will be tempting to justify your behavior or disagree with something they are saying, but if you want to repair your relationship, you have to try and understand where they are coming from, even if it is painful for you.
Now that your child knows what to expect, it’s extremely important that you stick to what you said. If you do something that deviates from what you said, immediately change your behavior and acknowledge that you messed up. It is difficult to change, but when you learn to catch your behavior, you are on the right path.
If there have been really traumatic experiences in your past relationship with your child, it will likely be very difficult to deal with those issues without the help of a therapist. Don’t force your child to go to counseling if they say they aren’t interested or don’t want to. Effective therapy often requires a willingness to engage in the process. If one person is not interested, it’s unlikely that it will be helpful.
When you are struggling, remind yourself that it takes a lot of courage to admit you were wrong. It also takes a tremendous amount of self-awareness to reflect on your own bad behavior and become aware of the sources of your toxic parenting. If your child is willing, try to take small steps towards having a more positive relationship with each other. For example, don’t spend all your time together re-hashing the past. Instead, try to do something fun together. For example, take them to a movie of their choice, make them their favorite meal, or go mini-golfing.
