Ask yourself, are you simply afraid of what is familiar? Or are you trying to avoid negative behaviors that your parents exhibited, such as neglect or violence?[1] X Research source If you’re afraid of what’s familiar, you may be able to proceed on your own. However, if your concerns are trying to avoid negative behaviors, you may need to recruit the help of a qualified therapist. If you believe your mother wasn’t a very good parent, maybe you’re right. Research has indicated that poor parenting or dysfunctional parenting can have a dire effect upon an individual’s physical and psychological health. Understanding what poor parenting is will help you achieve positive and constructive parenting in the future.
Make a list of your mother’s characteristics or behaviors that you hope to avoid. [3] X Research source Are you afraid that you’ll become judgmental or argumentative? Give unwanted advice? What is your mother doing that you’re afraid of doing in your own life? Recognize what triggers precede your mother’s negative behavior. Think about what sets up your mother’s undesirable behavior: is her behavior a reaction to the behavior of others around her?[4] X Research source
If your mother says something that you know will start a fight, tell her you don’t want to argue and leave the room. You can go for a walk, or just sit alone in your room until things cool down, but engaging with someone who is trying to provoke an argument will not be productive. Be aware that limiting or cutting off contact with a parent may be devastating to them. If you have an otherwise healthy and loving relationship with your mother, it’s best to try to work things out with her. Limiting contact is best left for situations where a parent has a history of abusive or neglectful behavior. [6] X Research source Set boundaries and refuse to budge from boundaries that are established on a healthy pursuit. Compromising your boundaries will indicate to others that you do not stand behind what you believe.
If your mother is very judgmental, for example, it may be helpful to identify the moments in which you lapse into judgmental thinking or say judgmental things. Some of these moments may be easy to identify on your own, while others may require an outsider’s input. Ask your friends or relatives to help you become more aware of how you react to the triggers you’ve identified. This may help you gain an awareness of behavior that you engage in without thinking.
who you respect, and why what objects hold the most sentimental value to you, and why what times in your life felt the most rewarding or fulfilling what issues you would most like to resolve or address in your community, or in the world what social or cultural issues you feel the most passionately about, or talk about the most, and why those issues are important to you
Reactive people tend to reach emotional conclusions very quickly. These individuals may feel completely out of control when it comes to emotional responses, because a reactive person’s response and behavior are, essentially, determined by the other person. [9] X Research source If you find yourself having an elevated pulse during verbal conflicts with your mother, or talking over her, or starting fights at the drop of a hat, you may be a reactive person. [10] X Research source Distance yourself from the problem before you react. The biggest problem for reactive people is that they tend to respond immediately to conflict or the perceived initiation of conflict with an angry, emotional response. Give yourself a moment to breathe and consider what would be a positive, constructive response before you say or do anything. [11] X Research source Learn to be mindful. Practicing mindfulness and mindful meditation can help you gain greater insight into the roots of your problems and find more constructive ways to deal with those problems. [12] X Research source
Step out of your perspective. It can be difficult at times to imagine a situation from someone else’s perspective, but it’s an important part of distancing yourself from frustrating or damaging behavior. If your mother’s behavior is getting on your nerves, or if you worry you’ll end up behaving like your mother, try to see things from your mother’s perspective. For example, do you really believe she is engaging in over-protective behavior to ruin your life, or is it her way of trying to show you she cares?[14] X Research source Resist your intuitive reactions. Many people react emotionally without giving proper time to assess the situation or process what’s been said. Rather than allowing yourself to respond immediately with an impassioned rebuttal, take a few seconds to process what you’ve heard or seen and what an appropriate, level-headed response might be. [15] X Research source Avoid jumping to conclusions. If you’re feeling insecure or frustrated with your mother, it can be easy to assume that anything you interpret as a criticism must actually be critical. However, it’s possible that you’re reading too much into things, or entirely personalizing something that wasn’t meant to be directed at you. Even if your mother does say something critical or hurtful and it seems deliberate, the underlying cause is probably something very emotionally troubling to your mother that she hasn’t figured out how to deal with. [16] X Research source
Think about the things that make you a unique individual. Whether it’s your taste in music, your hobbies, or your hopes and dreams, celebrate the things that make you who you are. [18] X Research source
Search online for therapists near you, or ask your primary care giver for a referral/recommendation.
Even though it’s easy to blame your mother for her behavior, it may not be entirely her fault. If at all possible, try talking to your mother about the behavior you resent. You might learn more about your mother, and find that she herself regrets behaving the way she has. Remember that parents seldom have the experience or preparation that is needed to make all of the decisions of being a parent. For many, parenting is a trial-and-error experience. They are learning as they go and hopefully, they are improving as they grow. Ask your mother open-ended conversational questions. Try something like, “What was your relationship like with grandma/grandpa?” or “What were grandma/grandpa like as parents?”
Some studies suggest that most people begin to act like their parents around the age of 32. [21] X Research source The reason most people grow up to become like their parents is because our brains are wired to do so. During stressful situations, the neurons in the brain seek the most familiar paths, even if those paths are not what we would consciously like them to be. [22] X Research source
