There are six common types of hostile remarks: character assassinations, threats of abandonment, threats of exile, invalidations, challenges, and preaching. Each weakens your partner’s sense of self-esteem in its own way. Talk to your spouse about these common hostile remarks and ask them to help police your speech so you can avoid saying these things. Let your spouse know that you can do the same for them.
Character assassinations don’t have to be giant, degrading slurs. Often times minor character assassinations go unnoticed or uncontested, quietly causing emotional damage.
Examples of threats of abandonment include “I’m sick of you” and “You’re more trouble than you’re worth. I’m over it. "
Threats of exile weaken the stability of your relationship by conveying, whether truthfully or as an empty threat, that you don’t value or care about your spouse.
The unspoken assumption involved in preaching is that your spouse is always wrong and you are always right. Whether you realize it or not, this is the message you are sending.
Generalizations usually come up when you are exhausted with your spouse or have witnessed them say or do something more than once - hence, two occasions become “You always side with your friends instead of me. " Generalizations may also come up when you have not seen or heard something in a while. For example, a generalization of this type might be, “You never invite me when you go to parties. "
Talk to your spouse about generalizations and try to help one another by policing each other’s words during a fight. Have a nonverbal code, like holding one hand up, that signals to your partner that they’ve just used a generalization or were about to. Agree that when this happens, you will both take a five minute break and return when you’re both calm and relaxed.
Think about all the times your spouse has broken your “always/never” accusation. Let yourself appreciate your spouse for all the times they’ve made you happy.
Avoid placing blame or drawing conclusions based on limited experiences. When you reframe your argument, you should be working towards a solution to the problem, not trying to make your spouse feel bad for hurting your feelings.
If you’re prone to yelling or if you catch yourself raising your voice, try switching to a softer, whispering volume. Whispering forces you to use a calmer tone and makes you speak without intimidating, frightening, or angering your partner.
Ask your spouse to gently remind you to stay on topic if you start bringing up the past, then reciprocate as needed. Make sure you never act as though your partner is the problem. Focus on the issue or their behavior that caused the problem without attacking your spouse as a person. Focus on finding solutions, not placing blame. This is the best way to make an argument healthy and productive.
Are you starting an argument (intentionally or not) to get back at your spouse for something they did? Is your goal to shame, humiliate, frustrate, or belittle your spouse? Is there a reasonable solution to the problem(s) at hand? Are you working towards solving problems, or just placing blame? What do you see as an ideal resolution? Are you actually working towards that resolution or simply starting a fight?
Don’t blame yourself or your partner for these tendencies, but recognize them for what they are: unhealthy and detrimental to your relationship. Try to calmly (and without blame) help one another recognize these patterns in your speech. For example, you might say, “I’m not trying to blame you or detract from what you’re saying, but I think you might be using unhealthy ways of arguing again. "
Always speak with respect and kindness. Even in the midst of an argument, remember that your spouse wants the same courtesies as you. Never say anything critical or argumentative, and resist the urge to get defensive or avoid your problems.
Never expect your partner to know what you want in a given moment. Your partner is not a mind reader and neither are you, so use your words to calmly convey your wants and needs before it reaches a point of argument. Express your wants and needs as a request, never as a demand. Your spouse is much more likely to meet your needs if you ask politely and calmly, rather than screaming that they should or shouldn’t do something.
Resist the urge to get defensive. Take a deep breath and break apart the actual words your partner said. Notice whether or not your spouse ever actually presented the statement as a matter of fact, and whether or not your spouse placed any blame on you. Instead of turning it around and blaming your spouse for their feelings, ask why your spouse feels that way and what you can do to change it.
Use calm words to convey your feelings, then give concrete examples of what made you feel that way and why. Keep your examples relevant to the conversation by not bringing up past incidents. For example, you might say something like, “It really hurt my feelings when you said you didn’t want to put up with me anymore. I felt abandoned, and it made me feel like you don’t value me or see me as your partner. "
Don’t put off talking about something that hurt your feelings. Wait until it’s an appropriate time to talk, though - for example, wait until you get home from a party to let your spouse know you’re upset about something. Never act passive-aggressively towards your partner. This includes giving them the cold shoulder or avoiding them while angrily insisting that nothing is wrong. Deal with the issue when it comes up by sitting down together and having a calm, rational conversation to try and arrive at a reasonable solution.
Take a breather any time you feel like saying something hurtful. Ask your spouse to do the same. Let your partner know that you need to take a conversational pause. Specify where you’ll be and when you’ll be ready to talk again, then meet at the agreed upon time and place. Use that time to take a walk, listen to relaxing music through headphones (don’t blast the stereo), or simply sit alone in a dark room and focus on your breathing. When you’re both feeling calm and refreshed, meet with your spouse and calmly discuss the issue without placing blame or getting defensive.
Be aware of your posture and body language. The way you carry yourself while talking to your partner can convey a lot of emotions. Facial expressions can be difficult for some people to recognize or control. If you tend to grimace or scrunch your face without realizing it, ask your spouse to politely point it out when you do it so you’ll become more aware of it. Avoid crossing your arms, turning away from your partner, or rolling your eyes, as all of these convey a negative or dismissive reaction to what your spouse is saying. Be aware of your spouse’s nonverbal signals as well. For example, if your partner’s expression looks saddened by what you said, pause and put your hand reassuringly on their shoulder, then apologize and say, “Let me try rephrasing that. "
Remember that it’s perfectly acceptable for you and your partner to agree to disagree. Instead of trying to convince one another that you’re “right,” just acknowledge your different opinions, let it go, and move on. [16] X Research source You should never enter an argument hoping to prove your spouse wrong or prove yourself right. There’s never a winner or loser in an argument - instead, you should think of solving the argument as a win for your relationship that benefits both of you. For example, if you argued because your spouse said hurtful things about you being late, ask your spouse to avoid saying those types of comments, then promise your spouse that you’ll work on managing your time and leaving earlier in the future.
Acknowledge that what you said or did was hurtful. Don’t give a fake apology, like saying “I’m sorry you felt that way. " Instead, offer a sincere, heartfelt apology, such as “I’m sorry I said that, dear. I got carried away and I know it was wrong, and I just feel awful that I made you sad. " If your spouse said something hurtful to you, politely ask them to apologize as well. You might consider having a conversation with your spouse about your expectations for how and when you should each apologize to one another after a fight.
Tell your spouse that you love them and care about them. You don’t need any special occasion to do this - you can do it every day if you’re comfortable doing so. Let your partner know when they’ve done something that makes you happy and thank them for it. For example, you might say, “I really appreciate the way you’ve been inviting me to more social events. It means a lot to me, so thank you. " Show gratitude for the little acts of kindness your spouse does for you every day. Even small and simple things like sharing household chores or picking up after you when you’re busy or not feeling well deserve acknowledgment.
Learn to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. For example, if you’ve been married for several years and your spouse has never criticized you over something before, they probably didn’t mean to do so now. Focus on the kind, caring things your partner says and does every day. It’s probably safe to assume that those acts of kindness outweigh this one word or action that you didn’t like. Never criticize your spouse. You can criticize actions or words if you can do so respectfully, but tearing down your partner is not a healthy way to communicate.
Take an interest in your spouse’s hobbies. You can also invite your spouse to join you at something you enjoy. Try taking up a new hobby together - something that you can both learn and explore together.
Ask your spouse about any changes in goals or expectations for one another and for the relationship. You can also check in by saying something like, “I’m sorry I overreacted last week. I feel like things are back to normal, but I wanted to make sure you feel like everything is okay with us after that fight we had. " You may only need to check in on goals or expectations once or twice a year, though some couples may need to do this more often. You should only need to check on the status of your relationship after really big arguments.
Never feel embarrassed or frustrated over needing the help of a marriage counselor. Not getting professional help would likely cause your relationship to continue to deteriorate. Make sure your counselor is a licensed therapist with training that specifically deals with marital therapy. You should also make sure the therapist is committed to finding real solutions, rather than just encouraging a separation. [22] X Research source It’s important to have a clear idea of what you hope to accomplish with the help of a marriage counselor. You’ll need to work on the issues at home between sessions, which is where most of the healing and repair will take place. [23] X Research source Be honest and open during counseling. This should be a time and place where you and your spouse can calmly and respectfully air your grievances and find ways to work through them.
