Kiss them hello and goodbye. Take their heavy shopping bags for them. Open doors for them. Pay for dates. Of course, there’s always the chance that they don’t want you treating them in a gentlemanly way. If they don’t, don’t take it personally. Continue being sweet to them, even if you don’t give them special treatment.
Keep your promises. Do what you say you’ll do. If you tell them you’re going to do the dishes, don’t wimp out and then make excuses while they take over your responsibility. Be on time. If you say you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time — say, pick up your kid at daycare — be there. Your spouse’s time is just as valuable as yours. Respect it. Stop assuming. Don’t just assume that they’ll do something because they’re your spouse. Establish good lines of communication instead. Learn how to ask for a favor. Listen to what they’re saying. Don’t pretend to listen — actually listen. Sometimes, the only thing we want is a good listener or a shoulder to lean on. Let them talk and be absorbed in what they’re saying.
If you love your spouse but lust after someone else, realize how unfair the situation is. You want the comfort of your spouse, but you’re not willing to be exclusive and honest with them. This is selfish behavior at its most basic. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. If you no longer love your spouse, then why are you still married to them? Both of you would probably be much better off if you were given the opportunity to find someone you truly loved, or someone who loved you back. Think about it.
Minimize jealousy. You may get a little jealous from time to time, and that’s okay, as long as you try to not let it affect your spouse’s happiness. (It’s probably a good sign if you’re jealous. ) That’s because jealousy can be very selfish. Never keep your spouse from doing something just because you’re jealous. Compromise. Learn how to reach the middle ground. Often, what you want and what your spouse wants will be totally different. In these cases, adjust your expectations. Don’t expect to always get exactly your share or to “win” the argument.
Control your tone, if possible, in an argument: “I’m worried that we’re not sticking to our budget. I’m not accusing you of anything. I’m just looking out for our long-term happiness and I wanted to have a discussion with you about ways we could both change our spending habits. " Resist ad hominem, or personal, attacks. The following is not a healthy way to argue: “Oh yeah? You really want to make sure our children get into a good school? Well why don’t you talk to your ex-boyfriend the principal? You seem to have a smashing relationship with him. " Never hit, detain, or threaten your spouse with violence. Do not try to use your physical size as an advantage over them. Your spouse could press charges.
“Oh yeah? You really want to make sure our children get into a good school? Well why don’t you talk to your ex-boyfriend the principal? You seem to have a smashing relationship with him. "
Work on having a better relationship with your in-laws. Few things are more important for your partner than you having a relationship with their parents. You probably don’t see your in-laws every day, but that undersells the importance of the goal: ultimately, they want you to love them like you love your parents. Does your spouse really care about charity? Invest in a microloan in their name, and give it to them as a present. They are now the proud beneficiary of someone else’s opportunity. Do things around the house that they normally don’t enjoy. If your spouse hates doing the dishes, for example, make them a little “get out dishes free” card, good for a week without dish-duty.
Write a short handwritten letter. [5] X Expert Source Collette GeeRelationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020. Put it underneath their pillow; as you kiss them goodbye in the morning, tell them to check underneath the pillow. The note could say something like: “Every day I’m with you, I learn even more about how impossibly lucky I am. I love you. " Come up behind them when they know that you’re in the same room and give them a heartfelt kiss on the neck while wrapping your arms around them. It’ll make their heart melt. Make your own romantic fortune cookie. Find a way to slip a personalized fortune into a fortune cookie your spouse breaks open. Have it read something like: “Only you can make my heart crumble. . . . "
When your spouse is feeling down, find a way to cheer them up. Bring them breakfast in bed, massage their feet, or rent their favorite movie. Again, small things can have big meanings.
Do date nights at least once a month. [6] X Expert Source Collette GeeRelationship Coach & Certified Violence Prevention Specialist Expert Interview. 1 May 2020. Some couples manage to find the time to go on dates every week, but once a month is sufficient. Plan a date that evokes a great date you went on earlier in your courtship, or plan a date that gets the blood pumping again: skydiving, whale watching, or a movie, to name a few. Celebrate your anniversary. Your anniversary is really important to your spouse, and it should be to you too. It has symbolic meaning in addition to providing an opportunity to renew your love. Forgetting your anniversary is a big no-no. At the very least, have a dinner planned and a bottle of wine chilled. Keep intimate relations in bed strong. Don’t let things dry up in bed, or take things for granted. Seek to please your spouse as much as they please you, and keep exploring their and your own sexuality through one another.
Have long conversations; make them laugh; share interests, hobbies and occupations; take them somewhere that has personal significance to you; encourage them to get to know your extended family (and do the same for theirs); engage in debate; share fears, doubts, and vulnerabilities; be who you are, not who you think they want you to be.
Of course, you need to have the right sort of perspective if you’re going to use the golden rule, and you can’t lie to yourself about what other people want. If you’re unsure about something, ask yourself “What would I want to happen if I were in my partner’s position?” This is generally a good exercise for you to engage in.
