Recognize that the transition is hard for them. Be patient. It may take two years or longer for some children to feel comfortable. [2] X Research source Shy children and older children, especially teens, may take longer to open up to you.

What matters is that the relationship is healthy and satisfying for stepparent and stepchild.

Say something like, “In our house, we don’t do that. ” Speak calmly and avoid screaming.

Say something like, “I care about you, and I want you to tell me how you feel. ” Set an example by communicating openly as well. You might say, “When you don’t listen to me, it makes me feel like you don’t value my opinion, and that hurts. ”

If you live with your stepchildren, try to find some one-on-one time every day. You might want to start a project together, like a rock collection or a craft. If you do not live with your stepchildren, try playing online games together, or taking them to their favorite store or restaurant.

You might plan a weekly trip to the beach, a game night, or bi-weekly family dinners.

At the same time, beware of overcompensating by showing more affection to your stepchildren than to your biological children. Try to spend one-on-one time with your biological children each day.

Ask about any boundaries your partner’s ex wants you to maintain with the children. This is especially important for stepmothers, who are generally more involved in childcare than stepfathers. [13] X Research source Respecting boundaries will create a happier, more functional household. For example, if the biological mother always makes the Halloween costumes, you should respect that.

You might tell your partner, “I need you to help me out with disciplining the kids. It’s hard for me to work on bonding with them when I’m the only one enforcing the rules. ” Make a concrete plan with your partner. Say, “Today, I’ll tell the kids to make their beds. Next time they forget, it’s your turn. ”

Call your partner’s ex and try to set up a time to meet. Be open to what your partner’s ex has to say, and try not to get defensive.

Set aside time during the week to go to dinner, lunch, or coffee without the children. Avoid arguing in front of the children. Make sure your are on the same page and present a unified front.

Also, consider attending a few preventative family therapy sessions when your step family is first formed, even if you don’t have many issues at first. This can prevent problems down the road.