Keep a watchful eye on how your stepchild interacts with your own children, if you have any. Jealousy is toxic to any relationship. If this appears to be occurring, try to head it off immediately. To maintain a happy family atmosphere, step-sibling anger must be dealt with fairly and prudently. Never treat your stepchild like he or she is not worthy of your time or affection just because he or she is not your biological child. Never make your stepchild feel like you don’t care or like them, or that they are in the way of your relationship with their mother.
Spend time with your stepchild and teach him or her ways to become a responsible adult. Show the child you’re willing to help out in housework. It is important for children to understand that keeping a household is a family job, a shared household responsibility, and not just the mother’s. Don’t be old-fashioned, even if the child’s real father is.
Never let the only interaction you have with your stepchild that day be yelling and screaming. You should always try to focus on the positive things they do and not always the things they are doing wrong. Keep your negative opinions of the child’s biological father to yourself. Unless you’re asked directly, don’t bring up your opinions of him in front of the children or anyone else. If you are asked directly, be circumspect and tactful, as there is often a risk of an emotional overflow. Each parent’s parenting style is different and unless the father is not taking part in parenting at all or is abusive in any way, you don’t need to pass judgment. Never argue with the child’s mother in front of the child. Be especially careful about making derogatory remarks about her where the child may hear. The child will be highly alert to any disharmony, mostly due to a sense of protectiveness toward the mother and holding a strong hope that this new relationship will result in creating a happy family arrangement.
Be ready to listen to them and understand what they are going through or what they are trying to say. Give them your fatherly shoulder to cry on at times or even just a hug or a kiss on the forehead or just a simple “I love you”.
Respect the child’s mother’s disciplinary and homework regimens. Even if you think they may be out of line, don’t raise this in front of the child or make passing remarks that undermine her. Instead, talk to her privately about your concerns and try to reach a compromise that benefits the child. Discuss decisions which affect your stepchild directly or indirectly with his or her mother. Don’t sign the child up for a summer at a military academy or sports camp without talking it over with her. Don’t buy the child firearms, fireworks or even seemingly harmless ones like paintball guns or BB guns without her knowledge and consent. Never take the child out on an ATV, snowmobile, micro-light or other potentially dangerous recreational vehicle without her express permission. Talk about computer games, video games, and other cultural influences with the child’s mother. Social pressure will often press on mom to let the child do it, whatever “it” is, because everyone else is doing “it”. Each family should have its own standards and ethical codes to live by. The child’s mother needs your support and input on deciding whether to let the child have violent or graphic video games in the home, or allowing them to go to “R” rated movies with their friends. Understand that your spouse is a mother and cannot always be free to spend alone time with you. There will be times when she will have to help the child or spend time with the child when you would really like her to be spending time with you.
Be yourself. It is almost impossible to set up pretense of doing, being, enjoying, or acting in ways that are not you. You may impress your stepchild for a while, but the real you will emerge sooner or later. You chose to enter into a relationship with a woman with children, so you ultimately chose to be a role model and a parental figure to her child or children. It is a good idea to keep a good rapport with your stepchild’s biological father, except in cases where he is not welcome in your stepchild’s life. A large proportion of stepfathers are good friends with the biological fathers of their stepchildren––both men are acting in the best interest of the child and collaborate. If both men are reasonable, impasses are uncommon. Never pass up an opportunity to tell you stepchild that you love him or her.
