Assertive individuals do not allow their own rights to be violated, and they do not violate others’ rights or feelings in order to express their own. Assertive individuals feel a strong sense of internal confidence (i. e. , a feeling that you are acting according to your personal values and that you are doing your best). Assertiveness enhances emotional honesty, directness with others, and interpersonal relationships. If you do not stand up for yourself or you rely on others to make all of your decisions, your interpersonal relationships are not as likely to be satisfying. Non-assertive individuals generally experience lower levels of well-being and emotional security. [2] X Research source
Expressing your feelings clearly. Telling others of your needs in a non-threatening manner. Avoiding name-calling, swearing, and other inappropriate expressions Communicating honestly and directly Recognizing others’ rights in communication Using cooperative statements and seeking others’ opinions An example of assertive behavior would be to tell the person who cut in front of you in line at the store in a calm voice, “I was next in line. I don’t appreciate that you cut in line like that. ” If the situation were reversed and you accidentally cut in line, an assertive behavior would be to accept responsibility and apologize: “I’m sorry, I didn’t see you standing in line. I’ll go behind you. ” Asserting responsibility doesn’t mean you have to grovel or demean yourself, just that you recognize others’ needs as well as your own.
Apologizing and taking responsibility is a healthy, helpful response to a failure to communicate appropriately. This helps keep the door open for future communication.
Try keeping a journal of times when you feel intimidated, coerced, pressured, passive, or timid. This can help you determine what areas pose the greatest problems for you, and where you should focus your assertiveness training.
For example, if you know you have a problem agreeing to doing extra projects at work without compensation, you could talk to a trusted co-worker about strategies for you to assert yourself the next time you’re asked to take on extra work. You can also practice your assertive responses with these trusted individuals before putting them into play in the problem situation. Rehearsing the situation will help you figure out how to approach the situation appropriately and may help alleviate anxiety.
For example, if you routinely have difficulty asserting your preferences, the next time your order is taken incorrectly at a restaurant or coffee-shop, politely clarify the situation and ask that it be addressed: “I asked that my steak be cooked medium. This looks well-done. Would you please fix this?”
Passive people might misinterpret assertiveness as rude because they are not used to speaking up for themselves. A passive person might see the direct, open style of assertive communication as different from how they behave and judge it incorrectly. [6] X Research source Individuals who are passive-aggressive express their thoughts and feelings indirectly, often by attempting to mask their real feelings and punishing others through withdrawal, sulking, etc. [7] X Research source Passive-aggression is very damaging to relationships and communication. Because they are used to hiding their feelings and expressing them indirectly, passive-aggressive people might see the honesty about your feelings that comes with assertiveness as rude or hostile. Aggressive people may be upset that assertive communicators stand up for themselves, rather than cowing to their demands. [8] X Research source They may be accustomed to thinking of communication in terms of only what they want and need. They may even interpret assertive communication as hostile because they are used to valuing themselves more than others and expect others to treat them that way. In some cases, others may judge your behavior incorrectly due to their own prejudices or perceptions. Racism and other forms of prejudice and bias may encourage people to judge your behavior by standards that are neither accurate nor helpful. For example, in American culture the pervasive, hurtful stereotype of the “angry black woman” might encourage some to interpret any assertive communication by African American women as aggression. Women in Western societies are often expected to be “nurturers,” and may be judged harshly for being assertive communicators. [9] X Research source [10] X Research source Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do to change others’ minds if they are set. Imbalances of power in situations can also foster misinterpretations. For example, if you are a manager of a team, it may be easier for the individuals working under you to view your actions as demanding and selfish, rather than assertive. Focus on collaboration, paying attention to others’ feelings and needs, and encouraging others to express themselves. Being aware of those around you is a key way to keep your behavior assertive, rather than letting it lapse into aggression. [11] X Research source Focus on the steps for “healthy assertiveness” in part 2 to make sure that your behavior is assertive, rather than passive or aggressive.
Showing humility doesn’t mean that you are being weak or demeaning yourself. Celebrate your successes and congratulate yourself when you have done something well. Just don’t put down others to lift yourself up. [14] X Research source For example, if someone tells you that you did a great job on a presentation, don’t feel as though you should reply by saying something like “Oh, it was nothing. " Such a response minimizes your true effort and accomplishment. Instead, try an assertive reply that acknowledges your own effort while staying humble: “Thank you! I worked really hard on it and had some great help. "
For example, if your colleague forgot a lunch date with you, don’t assume it’s because she doesn’t care. Instead, offer an “I” statement and follow it up with an invitation for her to share her experience: “I felt hurt when you didn’t make it to lunch. What happened?” Express your feelings as they really are. If you have been invited to an office function and you really don’t want to go, don’t say something like “Oh, I guess I’ll go, but it’s not really my thing. ” Instead, say “I really don’t enjoy large crowds. I’d prefer not to go. ”
For example, instead of saying something like “You should remember to take out the trash when you’re supposed to” to your child, try saying “It is important for you to take out the trash when it is your turn. ” Try substituting “I prefer” or “I would like you to” for “should” statements.
This is particularly important if you are offering constructive criticism or sharing a negative feeling. Asking the other person to share their feelings and thoughts makes them feel as though they are important to you. For example, if you have a friend who repeatedly cancels plans with you at the last minute, tell her how you feel and then invite her to share her experiences with you: “When we make plans and you cancel at the last minute, I feel frustrated because it’s too late to make other plans for myself. I also sometimes feel as though you don’t want to spend time with me. Is there something going on?”[18] X Research source
For example, if your employee forgot to file an important report, don’t heap on the blame and negative language; chances are, s/he already feels bad about forgetting. Instead, focus assertively on what s/he can do differently in the future: “I noticed that you forgot to file that report. When I have deadlines, I set a reminder in my calendar so that I don’t forget them. Do you think that would help you?”
For example, imagine that your partner comes to you and says that you hurt his or her feelings during an earlier conversation. Instead of immediately replying “I didn’t mean to” or using other defensive language, first acknowledge that s/he felt the way s/he says. For example: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I really didn’t mean to, and I will work on not saying things that way again. " As another example, remember that people have many ways of approaching life. Just because they are different from yours does not mean they are wrong. For example, imagine that your colleague is approaching a project in a way that you don’t think is the most efficient. An example of aggressive communication could look like this: “That’s a dumb way to do that” or “Who does it that way?"[19] X Research source Instead, if it is your place – e. g. , you are in charge of the project, you are the other person’s boss – communicate your concerns about the efficiency assertively. “I see that you’re tackling the project in X way. I have some experience with these projects, and I’ve found that Y way usually gets it done faster with better results. What would you think of trying it this way?” Keep in mind that it is often not your place to correct others. It’s usually a good idea to refrain from imposing your opinions on others.
For example, if you and your partner find that you’re having the same fight over and over again, ask her/him: “What can we do to help us both overcome this issue?”
For example, if you have a friend who is routinely late when you go out together, clearly express how this makes you feel without being sarcastic. A poor response would be: “Oh, wow, what a surprise. At least you’re only missing the first half of dinner this time. ” Instead, try something like this: “When we make plans and you don’t arrive on time, I feel as though our time together isn’t a priority for you. I would enjoy our outings more if you arrived on time when we’ve planned to do something. ”
Direct eye contact. Aim for the 50/70 rule: maintain eye contact for at least 50% of the time while you’re speaking, and 70% of the time while the other person is speaking and you’re listening. [21] X Trustworthy Source Michigan State University Extension Extension program of Michigan State University focused on community outreach, education, and engagement Go to source Relaxed, smooth movements. Assertive body language isn’t tense, shut-down or withdrawn; it moves steadily and smoothly. Avoid gestures such as pointing; use an open palm instead. Try not to fidget. Open posture. Stand with your shoulders back and your body turned towards whomever you’re interacting with. Distribute your weight evenly rather than pressing your weight onto one leg. Keep your feet between 4-6” apart, and don’t cross your legs. [22] X Research source Relaxed jaw and mouth. Pressing your lips together tightly or clenching your jaw communicates tension, uneasiness, or aggression. Keep your mouth and jaw relaxed and use facial expressions to convey your emotions (smiling when happy, frowning when upset, etc. )
Arrogant individuals often have a very external sense of confidence (i. e. , they base their opinions of themselves on how others think of them). While this type of confidence isn’t negative on its own, it can cause arrogant individuals to prioritize their own self-worth over the feelings of others. Arrogance is a form of aggression that often makes others feel extremely uncomfortable, even upset or torn-down, after interacting with the arrogant person. If they feel threatened or arrogant, arrogant people will usually attack or blame others. [24] X Research source
Using inappropriate language towards others Making others feel small or worthless Using a sarcastic or condescending tone Using threats Emphasizing blame Attacking others Protecting oneself with no concern for others An example of arrogant behavior would be to yell inappropriate names or language at the person who cut in line in front of you at the store. Another example might be telling that person that they are stupid and threatening them if you see them again. If the situation were reversed and you accidentally cut in line, an arrogant behavior would be to shift the blame to the other person or use a condescending tone: “Well, if you didn’t want me to cut in front you should have made it more clear that you were in line. ”
For example, an arrogant communication with your roommate would be: “You’re such a pig! Why can’t you keep this place clean?” An assertive communication would be: “What you do with your personal space is your own business, but I would like for you to work to keep our shared space neat and organized. ”
For example, avoid blaming language such as “You’re making me so angry!” Use “I”-focused statements instead, such as “I’m feeling frustrated right now. "
Threatening language often includes blame. For example, if you have asked your team a question and nobody has responded, an aggressive response could be, “Do you even understand the question?” Instead of offering blame and threats, reword the question: “Have I explained this concept clearly?"[26] X Research source
For example, imagine that you have a co-worker who frequently forgets to pick you up for the carpool. An arrogant response might be if you tell him something like this: “You never remember to pick me up for the carpool, and it pisses me off. I don’t understand why you can’t remember this one simple thing. ” An assertive response would be more like this: ”In the past week you’ve forgotten to pick me up for the carpool twice. I feel frustrated and anxious when you forget me because I worry that I’ll be late for work. Will you try harder to remember to pick me up? If not, I will need to make other arrangements. ”
Violating personal space. The “three-foot rule” applies in most public and office situations. Don’t get closer than that unless you’re invited, such as when you’re on a date or asked to help someone. Aggressive gestures. Pointing and fist clenching are big culprits here. Crossed arms. While crossed legs signal a lack of confidence, crossed arms suggest a person who is closed to communication. Clenched or set jaws. If you push your jaw too far forward or clench it, you may come across as arrogant or hostile. Taking up a lot of space. This is more common in men than women, but body language that takes up unnecessary space can come across as arrogant, rather than confident. It’s fine to take as much space as you need to feel comfortable, but don’t infringe on others.
