You will probably experience ups and downs during the grieving and healing process. You may feel much better one day, and then depressed or angry again the next. This emotional roller coaster can be frustrating or even frightening, but it is totally normal.
For example, you might think to yourself, “I’m thinking about Madeline again. There’s a knot in my upper back. I feel so sad. ” Release your feelings in a healthy way, such as by crying or talking to a friend. You might also find it helpful to write down what you are feeling or express it through art or music. You can even write a letter to your ex pouring out all your feelings (but destroy it when you’re done so that you won’t be tempted to send it). Being mindful of your feelings and being able to identify them can help them feel less overwhelming.
The amount of time it takes to move beyond a breakup varies from one person (and breakup) to another. Just take it one day at a time. [4] X Research source
For example, if you find yourself thinking, “Nobody will ever love me like Bert did. I’ll be alone forever,” replace that thought with something like, “What I had with Bert was great in a lot of ways, but we broke up for a reason. I’m going to try and make the most of being single for now and see what happens next. ”
You might also blame your partner for what happened, especially if they broke up with you. Remind yourself that it’s probably for the best that they let you go, since you’re now free to find someone who’s a better match for you (if that’s what you want).
Chances are you know someone who has been through a breakup. They can lend you a sympathetic ear and offer advice for dealing with your feelings. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, consider calling a crisis line or joining an online discussion group for people going through breakups. If you do join an online group, look for one that is moderated, like the forums at PsychCentral. Moderated forums have administrators who monitor the discussion to ensure that there is no bullying or other forms of abuse in the community.
Don’t let these types of thoughts follow you into your next relationship. They aren’t true, so don’t allow them to negatively impact your future. If you notice any of these negative thoughts, challenge them and replace them with positive self talk. First, look for 3 pieces of evidence against the negative statement. Then, replace it with a positive statement about yourself. You can find worksheets online to help you do this![8] X Research source For example, let’s say you’re thinking “I’m unlovable. " Your 3 pieces of evidence that this isn’t true might be that your parents, best friend, and pet all love you. You might tell yourself, “I’m deeply loved by the people in my life, plus I love myself. "
When you start to feel emotional again, use this exercise to help you rationalize why the relationship was meant to end. Tell yourself, “I’m feeling sad about the breakup again, but we had different goals for the future. I want a partner who wants the same things I do. "
Getting plenty of good-quality sleep. Eating healthy, nutritious foods. Getting exercise. Spending quality time with friends and family. Doing activities you enjoy. Taking care of practical matters, like paying bills and doing work or school projects.
Working on your goals can help boost your confidence, give you something to focus on aside from the breakup, and remind you of who you are as an individual. Your goals don’t need to be anything big or grandiose. You could start with simple things like reorganizing your desk or taking a 15-minute walk every day. Keep a list of your daily accomplishments, and remember to reward yourself when you meet a goal!
If you’re the creative type, you could try painting, doing crafts, or learning a musical instrument. If you’re more athletic or outdoorsy, try taking up a new sport or going on hikes. Doing group activities is also a great way to make new friends and grow your support network. If there are any activities that you particularly associate with your ex, you might want to take a break from them for a while.
If you and your ex are connected on social media, it may be a good idea to unfriend or even block them. That will help reduce the temptation to torture yourself by checking their profile.
For example, maybe you’ve picked up on some red flags to avoid in future potential partners. You might also think of ways you can improve your own behavior in relationships going forward. It might help to make a list of what things were good and bad about the relationship. Think about specific changes you might make based on your insights. For example, “Lucy was funny and exciting to hang out with, but she didn’t really share many of my interests. In future relationships, I’ll prioritize finding someone who has more in common with me. ” After some reflection, you might even decide that you prefer being single for now, and that’s perfectly valid! Don’t let anyone pressure you into looking for a new relationship if you don’t want one.
You may need to see a counselor if your grief is interfering with your ability to function in your daily life, work, or relationships, or if you feel like you aren’t making enough progress on your own.
