Take this opportunity to find something you like doing that your partner doesn’t necessarily enjoy. This way, you can affirm your independence and pursue a hobby that won’t ask any sacrifice of your partner. Beyond being a source of independence, hobbies can also have a huge impact on your well-being. Studies show that hobbies like painting, writing, and hiking can lower blood pressure, promote creative thinking, and foster a sense of satisfaction. Remember this when you tell your partner why independent hobbies are a good thing!
You should ensure your partner won’t disturb you by communicating your desire to have your own space and explaining the situation to them. Don’t just lock yourself in a room and not tell your S. O. where you are! If you’re setting aside part of a shared residence as your own, be sure to put only your own stuff in the area, whether it’s a room or a corner of a room. Your independent space can also be a public place (e. g. , a coffee shop or public park) you can go to spend time away from your partner. Your space only needs to be private in the context of your relationship, not necessarily the rest of the world. [3] X Research source Encourage your partner to have a similar space for themselves.
How often to see friends and family ultimately depends on your own social needs. As often as once a week or as seldom as once a month might be all you need to maintain a healthy social life outside your relationship. Your friends and family will also serve as a support group when your relationship goes through hard times and will help to keep you grounded. Remember, they love you for you. To best maintain a unique sense of identity, make sure to spend time with your own friends as well as mutual friends of your partner. [5] X Research source
This is more about taking a mental break than anything else, and so it can last however long you need. Sometimes taking just a day (or even less!) to yourself is all it takes to get yourself back to normal. Being able to be by yourself without your partner will increase your sense of self-worth and go a long way towards fostering a sense of independence. Prolonged absence will also have the side effect of making your partner’s company more attractive! Be sure to communicate with your partner first before embarking on your independent mini-vacation. Paradoxically, maintaining your independence should be something your partner supports you in.
If you’re taking time away because you feel overwhelmed and want to reassert your independence, having an affair might seem like a tempting way of accomplishing this goal. However, affairs can be devastating when discovered by monogamous partners and your relationship may not recover if you betray your partner’s trust this way. [7] X Research source Reassuring your partner of your fidelity is also a key aspect of taking time away from the relationship. Remember, open communication is very important.
Talking to friends and family is a good way of “checking in” on yourself every now and then to see if you’re still the kind of person you want to be. If you ever find yourself at a point where you’re no longer happy with who you are, that may be a sign that something (maybe even the relationship) needs to change.
For example, if there are things you feel uncomfortable doing for your partner (e. g. , lying for them), tell them you’re not willing to do this. Be direct when setting boundaries, but also be clear about your reasoning; make sure your partner knows that the boundaries you set have nothing to do with your feelings towards them as a person. Don’t use absolute language or threats when setting your boundaries. This is unrealistic and may end up alienating your partner.
Make sure you frame your words in a way that adequately conveys your concerns without hurting your partner’s feelings. Put yourself in their shoes and think about how you would feel hearing this conversation from them. They may feel hurt that you want to spend less time with them and think it’s their fault. Remember, open and honest communication about any and all issues is essential for any healthy relationship.
This doesn’t mean you should never compromise. Rather, decide what morals or values are non-negotiable for you and be willing to reasonably compromise on everything else. Don’t change your personality for another person. If you’re an extrovert in a relationship with an introvert, find time with them as well as other interpersonal interactions. For example, if evenly dividing the responsibilities for chores is important to you, say so in a firm but respectful way. Be willing to accommodate your partner where you can, but don’t let them sway you on things you care deeply about.
For example, tell your partner it’s ok for them to spend time with their friends and family, to go to movies or concerts without you, or to have their own hobbies they don’t share with you. You should set expectations for independence in the relationship as soon as you can. It’ll be much harder to nurture independence in both partners if you’re fighting against codependent conventions that have already been established in the relationship.
While relationships are often built on shared interests and hobbies, it’s a mistake to expect your partner to like all of your interests and hobbies as well. Bearing this in mind will help you realize it’s ok to maintain your own independent hobbies.
Losing sight of your own goals and self-worth is a common issue that a lot of people in relationships run into. Always keep in mind that your self-validation isn’t dependent on being in a relationship.
If you’re a student, reach out to your student’s counseling center and see about making an appointment to speak to a counselor. Friends and family who have gone through relationships or who you trust being vulnerable with are particularly good sources of emotional support in trying times. Remember, being independent in a relationship doesn’t mean going it alone!
An abusive relationship can feature any sort of abuse, whether it be physical, verbal, or emotional. If your partner hits you, berates you, gaslights you, or emotionally blackmails you, they are being abusive. [16] X Research source Healthy boundaries are very important in a healthy relationship. If you feel like you have lost all your boundaries and do not have an independent personal life, you may be in a codependent relationship. [17] X Research source If you’re in an abusive relationship, seek help. Move in with family and friends for a while or consider temporarily living in a domestic violence shelter.
