There’s the you that just does and is. It’s like the baby within you – this is the first “you. " You eat, you breathe, you do human things. You don’t really question it. It’s the you just reading right now. Then there’s the “you” that is monitoring all this behavior, thinking, making sure it’s socially acceptable, making sure you survive, etc. Ever thought to yourself, “My God, why did I eat 5 slices of pizza?!” That’s the second you. This third “you” is a bit more elusive. It can look at your behavior and thoughts and come to highly-evolved, self-aware conclusions. This is the “you” we’ll be targeting. This you doesn’t really feel things or need things – it just observes. It’s indifferent.
If you get this thinking down, you’ll start seeing patterns and thinking outside of the box – less selfishly, more big picture. For example, right now you’re sitting at home, eating a bowl of cereal, surfing wikiHow. What’s your character feeling and why? How might that change in the coming days? Watching an emotion, seeing that it’s there, is a lot different than feeling it.
When nothing is a big deal, it’s hard to be phased. However, it’s hard to get happy too. Know that this is a give and take. In a recent study, those who believed that they had no purpose in life but didn’t really care, are middle-of-the-road when it comes to happiness. [2] X Research source So while you won’t care that your stupid scum of a boyfriend dumped you, you also won’t feel super ecstatic when you get that job promotion. . . because it’s all no biggie.
Staying rational and logical is a huge hurdle for many of us. When someone personally says something that attacks our belief system, we naturally want to speak up and put that person in their place. Can’t do that! You have to keep an open mind and get unattached to your opinions on the matter. So this person thinks something different from you – good for them!
When someone says, “Hey, ohmigosh, I really have something I want to tell you – but I totally shouldn’t,” they’re actually saying, “Please give me attention. I have some gossip and it would give me immense satisfaction if you begged for it. " The process (what they actually mean to say) is still going on behind the content (what actually came out of their mouths). Seeing behaviors for the process makes it a lot easier to address what’s actually going on (and to remove yourself from the situation at hand).
It’s not about reacting negatively or positively or even not reacting. You’re still present; you’re still an alive human being. It’s just about hearing or seeing something and taking it in calmly and definitely not taking it personally. Sort of like every reaction you have when your little sister’s friend starts talking about her potato chip addiction. Mild curiosity at best.
You should have a relaxed, open position at all times. Like you’re watching a decent movie. You’re still engaged, but you’re comfortable and stress-free. And if you’re trying to convince your crush you’re indifferent, hanging on them is not the way to mask your body language!
Because you’re an observer, you have no reason to close yourself off. Even if your significant other is yelling at you, keep your arms uncrossed and your legs unfolded. This is just a display of their need to control and you’ll address it when you can get a word in edgewise calmly. You’re still hearing what they have to say, you’re just hearing all the levels to it and putting it through an objective analysis.
Lots of people get stressed out during life’s situations – whether it’s meeting a deadline, a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or drama between friends. It’s because they care about the outcome – something you don’t do. So the next time you find yourself in a stressful situation, think nothing of it. It’ll pass soon enough anyway.
Whether it’s “You killed my fish!” or “I’m dumping you” or “Justin Bieber totally called me last night,” your reaction should be as if someone said, “I bought a new lamp today. " That’s nice and all. Maybe you want to know what color it is, maybe you don’t. You’ll ask if you feel like it. To be stoic, remember that there are certain things that are in your control. And there are things that are not in your control. That will allow for a form of neutrality, so that you are able to hear the other person and what they’re saying without reacting.
That means seeing your side of the coin, too. Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest through the trees, but with practice being aware of your own behavior is possible. So when you’re fighting with a friend, see what’s driving her, but also see what’s driving you.
Let’s say Julia brought Pete, her husband, a list of things to do. Pete doesn’t do it and Julia gets upset. Pete starts thinking Julia is a big nag and Julia thinks Pete doesn’t care about her and is lazy. Instead, Pete should be thinking about how that list is really Julia needing her life to be organized and her asking for his help to do this – Julia needs to realize her own translation of Pete’s behavior and that is has nothing to do with her – it’s just that Pete operates on a different wavelength. When they see themselves for how they’re acting, they remove themselves from the situation and can solve it.
This works on enemies, too. Even if you hate the person, indifference is more powerful. They’ll be expecting you to react – when you don’t, they won’t know what to do. So be civil to them and kill ’em with indifferent kindness.
