“Upset” is a pretty vague way to describe your emotional state. Dig deeper to find a more specific identifier, like “deeply disappointed. ” Rather than saying you feel “good,” you could describe yourself as feeling “ecstatic” or “relaxed. ” Remember that you are not your emotions. An emotion is a temporary condition, much like a weather system passing through. Instead of saying “I am angry,” say “I feel angry right now. ”
Notice the strange physical sensations that accompany the emotion, like the tightening of your chest or the rapid beating of your heart. You might think, “Ok, I’m feeling angry at John because he forgot to call when he arrived at the hotel. It’s ok to feel angry–it doesn’t mean I’m being a crazy girlfriend. ”
If you’re feeling jealous, ask yourself if your jealousy is the result of past hurts. Think about your relationships with family, friends, and exes. Do any wounds from these relationships explain your current feelings of jealousy?
Say to yourself, “Ok, that conversation didn’t go as well as I planned, and I’m feeling anxious about it. However, there’s nothing I can do now to change what happened. I’ll try to manage arguments better in the future. ”
Instead of saying, “You’re driving me crazy with your yelling,” you should say, “I feel upset when you raise your voice at me. ” Instead of, “You’re wrong!” try, “I don’t agree with you. ” Focus on your own feelings and perspective on the situation, rather than attacking or blaming your partner.
If your partner accuses you of not caring about them, don’t yell back that they’re being irrational. Hear them out. Maybe you haven’t been the best partner lately because you’ve been so busy with school. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, but it might be time to make some changes. If you realize that you are in the wrong, take responsibility and admit it. Try to learn from the experience going forward.
Instead, keep your arms and shoulders relaxed, hold your head up, and make eye contact. You may feel more relaxed already!
If you have trouble slowing down, practice by writing down what you want to say and reading it out loud. Break up your speech into short phrases, and pause to take a deep breath after each phrase. [9] X Research source
Say something like, “I’m sorry, but I think I need to calm down before we can finish this discussion. ”
Of course, you won’t be able to avoid every triggering situation, but steer clear of the ones you can.
Imagine your partner is late coming home from work again. Instead of accusing them of being a workaholic, try to appreciate how hardworking they are.
If you find yourself thinking, “My partner doesn’t care about me,” remind yourself of all the kind things they’ve done for you. Remember the time they dropped everything to comfort you when you were sick, or surprised you with a lavish feast on your birthday? Address a negative thought like, “I’m not good enough for my partner” by remembering all the people in your life who think you’re fantastic.
If your partner isn’t answering their phone, don’t automatically assume they’re having an affair. Instead, think, “Janet always forgets her phone charger. Her phone probably died, and that’s why she isn’t answering. ”
All-or-nothing thinking, or the tendency to see situations in black and white without noticing shades of grey (e. g. , “I am a failure,” or “My partner is a bad person. ”). Overgeneralizing, in which you generalize one specific event to all aspects of your life. For example, if one relationship fell apart, you might find yourself thinking, “I am not able to have healthy relationships. ” Filtering out the positive aspects of a situation and focusing only on the negative ones. Assuming that you know what is going on in someone else’s mind. For example, “Bernadette finished grad school, but I didn’t. She must think I’m an idiot. ” Catastrophizing, or thinking that a situation is far worse than it actually is. E. g. , if you break up with somebody, you might find yourself thinking, “I will never find love again. ” Reasoning based on emotions rather than objective facts. For example, you might tell yourself, “I feel like I can’t do anything right, so I guess that must be true. ” Labeling yourself and others, rather than focusing on actions and intentions. E. g. , thinking, “She’s a jerk!” instead of, “She wasn’t very considerate of my feelings just then. ” Fortune-telling, or predicting the outcome of a situation based on feelings rather than rational thought. E. g. , “Why should we even try to work through this? We’re just going to break up anyway. ”
Everyone has strengths. Ask a good friend or family member to help you if you feel stuck.
