Interact with strangers nicely and calmly, request favors patiently, respond to others promptly and remember your pleases and thank-you’s. Remember that everyone you’re interacting with is human, too. Just because you’re paying someone to wait on your table doesn’t give you the right to be rude; treat them like you’d want to be treated if you were in their position. As J. K. Rowling put it, “It’s easier to see what someone is really like by how they treat their inferiors, not their equals. "
If you always criticize yourself and seem to be unhappy with who you are, you run the risk of people feeling the same way about you. After all, if you aren’t pleased with yourself, why should others be? The other side of the coin is just as bad – too cocky and people will think you like yourself so much that no one else needs to. The aim is contentment, not excessive pride.
When someone asks, “Does this make me look fat?” (yes, it’s a cliché, but it’s a classic example), make your comments gently, framed in a way that is unlikely to upset them. If you know your fashion, tell them WHY. They’re sure to trust you knowing that you were honest and appreciate that you’re helping them. It is a trickier idea to be brutally honest with someone who does not solicit your advice. Bringing up a comment like that can either generate appreciative responses or offended looks, depending on the person’s personality, so judge the situation at your own risk. You should probably avoid initiating negative comments, no matter how truthful, with people whom you are not closely acquainted or good friends with.
It’s important to listen actively, though. If someone is going on and on about the most effective way to wash their dog, glazing over, while tempting, is not being a good listener. Try to engage your entire self at all times – your eyes, the nodding of your head, commenting and questioning, and the positioning of your body – it should all be focused on them.
Keep everything open-ended. If Jill from the office says, “God, I just spend hours on this freakin’ Powerpoint,” jump in! Ask her what it was for, why it took longer than normal, or how she did the research. Even a bias topic like a Powerpoint can start a good conversation where Jill feels paid attention to.
This is fairly easy to do. The most obvious way is to add it on to your greeting. “Hey, Rob, how are you?” is much more personal than, “Hey, how are you?” And if you’re close enough to Rob to say, “Hey, Rockin’ Robby D! How are you, man?” that works, too. Apart from greetings, it can be inserted casually just about anywhere. Initiating a conversation – “What do you think of this for my desktop, Rob?” – or just as a comment, “Rob, you’re being ridiculous again. " Rob will practically feel like your best friend.
If you want to be genuinely liked (being popular and being liked are not the same thing), you’re in luck: generally, humans all like the same qualities. And no, wealth and attractiveness aren’t high up on the list. Trustworthiness, honesty, warmth and kindness are, in a recent study, the highest rated, most valued qualities (across the board of relationships), while extraversion, intelligence and sense of humor come in close behind. [6] X Research source
Relationships are a give and take. If you’re constantly the one making the effort, sending the texts, going out of your way to be nice and friendly, take a look at the situation. If there’s an explanation (the person is going through a hard time, they work 60 hours a week, etc. ), then you may have to do the brunt of the work. But if they’re responsive to other people but don’t seem to have the time for you, go elsewhere. You can’t be friends with everyone.
Think of happy thoughts or past moments that did make you grin to help trigger a genuine smile. If nothing else, people will be wondering what the heck you’re smiling about! It takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile – and for good reason! Everyone should be smiling more often than frowning.
Think about the people you want to be friends with. Odds are an adjective you wouldn’t use to describe them is “surly. " If you want to pull your half of the weight in making a friend, be sure your vibe is welcoming. Keep your body relaxed, seem engaged in your environment, and notice people. Half the battle, really.
This is generally good when working with peers – not when you’re working with superiors. Recent research has said that the adverse effect can take place – feelings of coldness, etc. – when the two subjects aren’t in an appropriate scenario (dealing with money, job issues, and so forth). [9] X Research source So keep it to that group of friends you want to get closer to and not your boss.
Think of greeting someone. In that video where Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela meet (two people that have the right to think they’re each a pretty big deal), both show deference – a slight lean-in and step forward, using the free arm for extra touch, smiling. [10] X Research source They’re conveying that they respect and like the other – which goes a long way to being liked in return.
Think of someone walking up to you and saying, “Hi! How are you?” Now imagine that same person walking up to you and saying, “[Your name]! How are you?” and lightly touching your arm as they pass. Which greeting left you feeling a bit warmer on the inside? Probably the second one, huh? Use that. It doesn’t cost a thing.
You can’t expect people to like you if you can’t say the same for yourself. Odds are you do like the people you want to like you (why else would you care?) so make it clear! Smile when they walk in the room. Make conversation. Comment on a detail they mentioned last Wednesday to show you were listening. The little things will tune them into your genuineness.
This is very much so a 24/7 thing. It’s gonna be hard to be positive in front of people when you’re negative by yourself. You have to train your brain to have certain habits – positivity being one of them. Try to always think positive even when you’re alone; that way it can become old hat in no time. Know when to commiserate. There is a certain level of bonding that can be had over group complaining. Talking to your coworkers about how terrible the new boss is will foster friendship – but if it’s all you do, you’ll be associated with negativity. Use the complaining sparingly and use it only to relate – not to spark conversation or turn it around.
If you are a good singer, get up on karaoke night and entertain the room. A good baker? Bring a treat to the office. A painter? Invite a group to your showing or simply hang something in the communal area. Let people see your personality to get to know you a bit better.
People like others who come off as sincere and genuine, so avoid taking steps to change so far that you are uncomfortable with your actions. Faking anything may be a red flag to those who are tuned in. Mean everything you say and do. If you want people to like you, you’ll have good intentions and be fine.
In a recent study, people were asked what qualities they thought others looked for in friends and relationships. Money, appearance, and status were pretty high up there. But when they were asked what they valued, they answered with things like honest, warmth, and kindness. Society tells us (wrongfully so) that looks and money are more important than anything else and deep down we know it’s not true. [11] X Research source If you want people to actually like you, worry about the inside of your book, not the cover. That being said, it’s important to be hygienic. People won’t likely give you the time of day if you smell like you’re fresh off the manure farm. Even if you have the personality of Mother Theresa and Bill Cosby’s lovechild, you’ll probably be given the cold shoulder. So take a shower, brush your teeth, look in the mirror before you leave, and then go out there with a smile.
There’s a difference between wanting people to like you and needing to be liked in order to be happy. Your self-image should not be based on the approval of others; that will leave you hurting in no time. But if you are comfortable with yourself and just want to be well-received, that’s respectable. People will see that and respond. That scare-factor will go away with time.
Insecurities are what we call the feelings we get and the behavior we display when we’re uncomfortable with ourselves. If you’re uncomfortable with yourself, it puts a damper on the entire room and plenty of people aren’t going to deal with that. Don’t worry about coming off as humble or arrogant. Say things like they are. You have worth. We all do.
The simplest way to start is to stop. Stop the negativity in its track. When you catch yourself thinking something bad about yourself, don’t finish the thought. Replace it with something a little more realistic and positive. You’ll feel better, too. Turn “I’m so fat” into “I’d like to lose a little weight. How might I go about doing that?” and a new train of thought will start. So get on board.
Whether you’re a dork or a hipster or a jock, it doesn’t matter. If people have the idea that your penchant for sparkly nail polish means you’re an idiot, let ’em be wrong. If they think your veganism makes you a liberal loony toon, great. Hilarious even. People are gonna judge you – let ’em. They can think what they want. It shouldn’t have any effect on you.
Initiate random acts of kindness. Do things for other people, even if you don’t know them. Hold a door when going in or out of a building, pick something up for a stranger when they drop it, and offer to take a picture for a group who looks like they’re trying to take one. This type of selfless giving inspires others to do the same in return – not just for you, but for others in their life as well.
However, if you know you’re guilty of not being able to put a lid on it, so to speak, you may want to tone it down. While everyone likes a good conversationalist, they are not looking to spend their time with someone who won’t let them get a word in edgewise. If the last 5 points that were made were yours, back off a bit. The other person might not be the type that will jump in; they may need an invitation. Ask them their opinions to share the spotlight with you.
However, if you know you’re guilty of not being able to put a lid on it, so to speak, you may want to tone it down. While everyone likes a good conversationalist, they are not looking to spend their time with someone who won’t let them get a word in edgewise. If the last 5 points that were made were yours, back off a bit. The other person might not be the type that will jump in; they may need an invitation. Ask them their opinions to share the spotlight with you.
If you stay attentive, you’ll be able to see the clues. If someone doesn’t return your calls, engages in niceties only, doesn’t make much of an effort – and you’re constantly hounding them to hang out, you might be a suck up. While you have good intentions, being desperate isn’t attractive. Back off and see if they come around.
The idea here is that we subconsciously look at our behavior and ask ourselves why we did it. Why did we loan that acquaintance of ours our favorite coffee mug? Well, gee. . . must be because we like them. Light bulb! Funnily enough, deciding we like someone is no different than actually liking them.
Whether it’s making it to dinner or finishing up a project, it’s important to keep your friends and co-workers in the loop about your progress. Whether it’s a quick email to say everything’s on track or a note apologizing for unexpected delays, people appreciate communication. Not knowing what’s going on can be extremely frustrating, even if the project is ultimately completed on time and in top-notch quality.
Standing up for your beliefs is one thing; preaching them is another. If you don’t agree with someone’s stance on a topic, great! Explore it. Talk about it. Have an intellectual discussion on your opposing viewpoints. You two will both learn something. Instead of shutting them down, telling them they’re wrong, and preaching your own ideas, open your mind and try to see their point of view. Maybe you’ll realize something, too.
Again, it’s only if you want to be liked by these people. After enough comments on how great a person is, you’re totally entitled to lose your cool. But if you’re still new to the person/group, it’s sometimes best to just go with the flow.
Be genuine. Don’t walk up to someone and tell them you like their khaki pants. Make it meaningful. Make it something about them. It can be something as simple as “that’s a great idea. " Often the smaller ones are more thoughtful (and more believable). “You’re hilarious” after a joke or “that article you wrote was really insightful; it really got me thinking. " Whatever you say, mean it. You’ll probably get something back.
It’s impossible to be liked if you’re not really a factor at all. Often we feel like we’re not liked when really, people don’t have feelings one way or another – and that’s because we haven’t put ourselves out there. Next time you’re in a group of people you’d like to feel liked with, show your personality. Make the effort to fill a role in the group. Crack a joke, a smile, initiate a simple conversation. It’ll springboard from there.
