Some psychologists estimate that about 98% of us have experienced some form of unrequited love, whether it’s an unreturned crush or a nasty breakup. Knowing that you’re not alone probably won’t heal your broken heart, but it could make the pain easier to bear. [2] X Research source
Cry your eyes out if you feel like it. Crying can actually be therapeutic when you’re upset. It can reduce feelings of stress, anxiety, and anger. So go ahead, grab some tissues and wail your heart out if it helps. [3] X Research source Express your emotions through creative pursuits, like art or music. Write a song about how you feel, or play a track that comforts you. Draw a picture of your emotional state. The only thing here is to stay away from things that are too sad or angry (think death metal). These may actually increase your feelings of sadness and anger. [4] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source It’s tempting to let your grief out by punching or breaking things, screaming, or shouting, but avoid this impulse if you can. Studies show that using violence to express your anger, even if it’s toward an inanimate object like a pillow, can actually make you feel more angry. To express your anger in a healthy way, try talking about your feelings to yourself or to someone you love. [5] X Research source This will be easier with a family member or friend you trust. Find someone who has a shoulder you’re comfortable crying on and let loose. They’ve likely cried on your shoulder at some point. Now all they’re doing is returning the favor.
Take 20 minutes a day for three days to let loose and write about your deepest thoughts and feelings about this relationship. Reflect on your experience while you were in the relationship, how you feel in the aftermath of the breakup, or what your worries are now that you’re not in a relationship anymore. [9] X Research source Lepore, S. J. , & Greenberg, M. A. (2002). Mending broken hearts: Effects of expressive writing on mood, cognitive processing, social adjustment and health following a relationship breakup. Psychology and Health, 17(5), 547-560. Common reasons for breakups include a lack of independence, a lack of openness, or missing that “magic” feeling. [10] X Research source Baxter, L. A. (1986). Gender differences in the hetero-sexual relationship rules embedded in break-up accounts. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,3(3), 289-306. Don’t worry about grammar or spelling when you write. You’re writing just for you, to express your feelings and thoughts.
For example, a very common fear after a breakup is that we’re undesirable, even unlovable. It can be easy to feel like you’ll never find anyone who wants you again. [12] X Research source This is a natural reaction, but you shouldn’t convince yourself it’s true. Try looking for the evidence that plenty of people do love you, even if that one person you wanted most to love you doesn’t (or can’t in the way you wanted). Look for global, internal, and irreversible statements in your journal. Research shows that these types of thought can lead to depression after a breakup and can make it harder to move on. [13] X Research source For example, a global statement might look like “This breakup is going to ruin my life. ” It probably does feel that way sometimes, but it’s probably not as true as it feels. Try rephrasing this as a limited statement: “This breakup hurts right now, but it’s only one part of my life. ” An internal statement blames yourself: “This is all my fault” or “If only I’d done things differently, we wouldn’t have broken up. ” Remember that relationships involve two people. The chances of anything being 100% one person’s fault are very slim. And in general, breakups happen because of incompatibilities, not because one person is “bad” or “wrong. ” Try telling yourself something like: “This relationship didn’t end up working out because we just weren’t suited for each other. People are different and have different needs. It’s okay. ” An irreversible statement is, well, irreversible: “I’m never going to get over him/her” or “I’m never going to not feel this way. ” Remind yourself that all feelings are temporary. People change. Hearts mend. Try telling yourself: “I am in pain right now, and that’s all right. It won’t last forever. ”
I am worth love and care, and there are people who recognize that I’m upset right now, but it won’t last forever Part of my pain is caused by brain chemistry, which I can’t control My thoughts and feelings are not facts I love and honor myself
Think about things you can do (especially if they don’t involve the person you just broke up with). Do you skydive, paint, write music, dance? Do you enjoy long walks or cooking a great meal? List your skills and remind yourself that you’re strong and capable. Think about the things you like about yourself. Do you have a killer smile? A fantastic fashion sense? Remind yourself that you have plenty to offer – and that the only opinion that really matters is your own. Think about positive things others have told you about yourself. Do your friends tell you how supportive you are? Are you the life of the party? Are you the caring person who gives up your seat on the subway or bus? Remind yourself that others see your value, too.
Talk with your friends. Share your feelings with them. Ask them about their own breakup experiences. They can offer you support and advice. [19] X Research source Locker Jr, L. , McIntosh, W. D. , Hackney, A. A. , Wilson, J. H. , & Wiegand, K. E. (2010). The breakup of romantic relationships: Situational predictors of perception of recovery. North American Journal of Psychology, 12(3), 565. If your friends offer you feedback or advice, try to be open and listen to them. You don’t have to take their advice, but accept the spirit in which it’s offered. If you notice that over time they become reluctant to talk to you about the breakup, you may be dwelling on it too much. Remember to ask your friends about their own lives, too. Sometimes, friends and loved ones may go too far. They may try to control your decisions or “fix” your problems for you. They may turn to bad-mouthing your ex, which isn’t always what you need. If your loved ones’ support is starting to go beyond helpful advice and conversation, show your appreciation for their support and let them know you can handle this on your own. For example, if a friend offers to give your ex a “piece of her mind,” you could say, “I really appreciate that you want to stand up for me, but I can handle this. Please don’t do that. ”
Romantic love stimulates dopamine pathways in the brain, making you feel “rewarded” for your emotions. When you break up, your brain treats it the same way as it treats a drug addiction. No matter how hard it feels, don’t give in to the craving, or you’ll never kick it. [21] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source [22] X Research source Don’t call or text your ex. If you need to, delete his or her number from your phone and contacts. Don’t email or send messages on social media. Cyberstalking is a real thing. Don’t look up your ex on Facebook or Instagram. You’ll only concentrate on the pictures of him or her being happy and having a good time. You’ll keep looking for clues and memories, keeping you from feeling better. [23] X Research source Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: associations with postbreakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10), 521-526. If you have to, block your ex on your pages so you’re not tempted. Don’t “vaguebook” (post vague statuses on social media) in a bid for attention. Focusing on the past will only keep you from moving toward your future.
Delete photos of your ex from social media accounts (or at least crop him or her out of the photos). Resist the urge to do things that you used to do together, like listen to “your song” or visit your favorite date spot. These things will keep you focused on the relationship you don’t have anymore, instead of allowing you to go out and form new relationships (and strengthen existing ones). Memories aren’t always triggered by things. Even sounds and scents can trigger a memory or emotion. [25] X Research source If this happens, don’t try to ignore or deny it. Acknowledge the feeling: “Oh, that smell reminds me of our pizza date nights. I miss those. ” And then move on. If you have things that seem too nice to throw out, consider donating them to a charity or thrift store. You’ll be able to let go of that t-shirt/coffee mug/teddy bear, and you’ll be making a positive difference in someone else’s life, too.
About half of people admit to stalking their ex in some way after a breakup, from making unwanted phone calls to threatening or even vandalizing an ex’s property. Carrie Underwood may make it sound like fun revenge, but this type of behavior just makes it harder to recover from the breakup. [26] X Research source Davis, K. E. , Ace, A. , & Andra, M. (2000). Stalking perpetrators and psychological maltreatment of partners: Anger-jealousy, attachment insecurity, need for control, and break-up context. Violence and Victims, 15(4), 407-425. Stalking and destructive behavior is also illegal. Is your ex worth an arrest record? Didn’t think so.
Let some time pass. If after a few months you still really want that tattoo because it symbolizes something important, go for it then.
Read that book series you’ve been meaning to get around to but never have. Join a book club so you can talk about it with others! Take a class, learn a new skill, pick up a new hobby. Learning new skills will remind you that you’re capable of growth and achievement. Call up people you’ve been meaning to chat with for months and haven’t. Remind yourself that you’re surrounded by people who love and support you.
If you think your schedule doesn’t allow it, think again. Look into high-intensity interval training where you only need to work out in small, 15-minute chunks. Alternatively, do a bit in the morning and then at night. It doesn’t have to be all at once. Make less noticeable efforts, too, like parking far away from the entrance of where you’re going or washing the car by hand. Just don’t approach exercise as a way to “fix” yourself. This is an unhealthy way of approaching it, and can lead to body image distortions and other mental health issues. Exercise because it’s good for your body and mind, not because you feel you “need” to in order to be desirable to others.
Laughter, it turns out, really is the best medicine. It releases endorphins, which are your body’s natural mood elevators. Laughter even increases your body’s ability to tolerate pain. [31] X Research source
Just remember: don’t use spending to mask your pain. Don’t go overboard with your credit card, either, or you’ll end up stressed out when the bills come in. Allow yourself just a few treats.
Volunteering is a great way to get involved. Check with your church, school, or local volunteer organizations to see how you can make a difference. Serving or giving to other people can also give you a sense of purpose. Studies have shown that when you make contributions to a cause you believe in – especially if it’s in person – you’re likely to feel like you’re making a difference in the world.
Happiness breeds success, after all. [36] X Research source The happier you are, the more positivity you’ll cultivate around you, leading to bigger and better things. Humans are really susceptible to “emotional contagion,” or picking up on others’ feelings and moods. If you surround yourself with positive people, you’re way more likely to feel positive yourself. On the flip side, if you surround yourself with people who are negative and bitter, you’re likely to feel that way. [37] X Research source
One way to forgive someone is to start by remembering what it is you want to forgive. Recall how it made you feel. Notice your thoughts about yourself and about your ex. [41] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source Reflect on this experience. What can you learn from it? Perhaps there are things you would do differently. Perhaps there are things you hope the other person would do differently. What will you look for in the future? How will you use this experience to grow? Remember that forgiveness isn’t an excuse for bad behavior. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to reconcile with that person, or that you’re saying s/he was “right” to do what s/he did. It means letting go of the burden of anger. Forgiveness makes you free. Remind yourself that you cannot control how others act. The only thing you can control is your own actions and responses. Tell yourself that you forgive the other person for his or her mistakes. And remember that it can take some time for you to fully feel forgiveness – that’s okay.
Use this time to consider what you can learn from this relationship to take into the future. What will you do differently?[43] X Research source Make a list of things you learned didn’t work in the relationship and things that did work. Then write down the attributes you would like your new partner to have, what type of person he or she is, physical attributes, characteristics, and so on. Consider whether you can see a pattern in your past relationships. Sometimes, people repeatedly fall for people who just aren’t good for them. This can happen for a variety of reasons, including how you interacted with your parents as a child. [44] X Research source Examine whether you seem to have a “type” that just doesn’t seem to be working out for you. Think about how you can break this unhelpful pattern next time. Treat this as a learning experience. Breakups hurt. They suck. But they can also make you a stronger, more confident, more compassionate person, if you let them. Look for things you can learn about yourself and your needs. [45] X Research source What do you know about yourself now that you didn’t before?[46] X Research source
When you were in this relationship, you probably made compromises. Now’s the time not to make compromises and to listen to you. Have anchovies on your pizza if you like them. Sleep in on weekends if your ex was an early riser who always had plans. Wear favorite clothing your ex didn’t like. Hang the art or posters your ex didn’t like. Listen to the music your ex didn’t like. All these are ways of regaining yourself, rebuilding your sense of self as a separate individual rather than half of the couple What fell by the wayside when this relationship started? A friendship? A hobby? What time got taken from another aspect of your life and given to focus on this person? Think back about what you gave up. Is it still there waiting for you? Odds are, probably.
Too much comfort kills your motivation. Since you’re probably already feeling a little uncomfortable after this breakup, use this uncertainty to your benefit! Use it to transform the areas in your life that need a little work. [49] X Research source Learning to get outside your comfort zone has other benefits, too. For example, taking (reasonable, controlled) risks makes it easier to accept that vulnerability and the unexpected are just facts of life. Once you accept this, it’s much easier to handle the next unexpected thing that comes up. [50] X Research source This doesn’t mean you should take up extreme sports with no training, or decide to move to a foreign country without any knowledge of its culture or language. Start with smaller challenges and work your way up. Think of this as much-deserved freedom. You can go to school, live somewhere else, or finally get that kitten you wanted. You can spend your Friday nights in that art class you’ve always wanted to take. If there’s a dream you always wanted to pursue, now is the time.
The thing is that when it does pass, you won’t really realize it. You’ll wake up one day and realize that you haven’t thought about this person for weeks. It happens slowly and under the radar. So just when you think nothing’s happening, bam. It does. It always does.
